Poopy Toes

2006-09-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

If we don't deal with it now, we are going to have to deal with it in 6 years.

When I ask him if he loves me he says 'yes' but cannot not say he loves me. He tells me he's afraid of loving me because then he'd have to give his power away. Then he tells me I have power over him and that scares him. He tells me he loves me but won't say 'i love you'. He knows I need to hear it but he's still afraid to say it.

Please, take mine!

2006-09-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I am using my dad's computer because the computer in my bedroom hasn't had the internet since a large bolt of lighting flashed directly outside my bedroom window causing my windows, hell, my entire room to shake and my little dog to pee on my bed. I dislike my dad's computer because everytime I try to log onto my hotmail account it asks for my user name and password. Even when I've already logged in and trying to read an email, it wants that coveted information.

My boyfriend, Josh is causing some concern in my life. The concern of whether or not we can work together to make a good, healthy relationship. I know healthy relationships are not a thing of pure fiction because in my family I can think of at least two functional marriages. Although in his family there are like, um, zero funtional relationships. Josh is very selfish and I feel most things are on his terms and I am constantly waiting around for him. Waiting for him to date me, and then it was waiting for him to want to move in with me and waiting for him to be ready to marry me (he tells me when he's 30. I'll be 31). I don't want to wait that long to get married. I think he should compromise with me on the age thing a little but he won't budge claiming I'm "... pushing [him] into marriage." Forgive the surprised expression on my face, I was under the impression he wants to marry me! I guess that's what I get for taking him for his word.

I told him that I don't think I could break up with him, that if the relationship were to end, he'd have to do the breaking. Honestly, and don't tell anyone I said this, I am kind of done with this whole Josh/Annalisa relationship thing. It scares me to say that. For too many years he's been the only guy I've wanted to be with. I've dated other guys but always wanting to be with him. So why is it when I get him I don't want him. I should stop kidding myself. I know exactly why I don't like him when I have him. I like chasing him. If he calls me and doesn't break up with me, I am going to have a problem, a boyfriend I'm not sure I want.

2006-04-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

I love him.
And it hurts sometimes.
Do all relationships have pain in them?
And if they do, how do you know it's worth it?
Someone once said that when you love someone there is never too much pain.
That is such a sad thought.
Who wants to hurt all the time?
I would rather be alone than hurt.
But I would rather be with you that alone.

2006-02-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

I should be doing homework but am having a hard time concentrating. It's hard because I need to be sensitive to his emotional needs and he's sensitive to my emotional needs. What do you do when they are conflicting?

2005-10-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

When I was a teen-ager my emotions were all consuming. I hated the intenseness of my emotions controlling my actions. That's how I feel right now. I think, hope, I'm pmsing. I hope because then I will feel better tomorrow.

I love Christy.

I though College was supposed to be different from High School

2005-09-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was showing my mom the pictures from my Hawai'ian vacation and she wanted to know why I have this as the wall paper on my computer:

I just laughed. I asked her why she thinks I have that picture up.

People are talking about me. I don't know why. One girl went up to the guy I sit next to in Psych and told him that I'm crazy. I find it strange that she thinks about enough outside of school to talk about me. I'm dying to know why I'm crazy. I'm not going to ask, but wondering all the say.

Some lady at my mom's church told her that I argue with my Biology teacher. (which I have never done) This lady isn't even in my class. weird. I didn't think I was that interesting.

This girl in my English class doesn't like me because I'm vocal about my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. We discuss a lot of things in class and we always have a different view. I want to know where she's coming from, and I ask why she thinks what she does, and she gets flustered and shuts down. Why is that my fault?

My name is Annalisa and I will be your server tonight.

2005-09-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

I worked a double today and I'm wired, my brain won't shut off. Maybe I should smoke a bowl. Made some pretty good money today. At least enough to pay my bills, I have yet to make enough to have a little spending money. My gifts cards are coming in very handy when I want to spend money on a cd or new clothes but know I don't have the money in my bank account. Thank you Amy and Virginia!!

I have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed with serving. It's not hard per say, keep the guests drinks stocked, smile, warm chatter with them, be attentive, all common sense when it comes to being a waitress right? Right. I'm finding it hard to be on my feet all day, but luckily I only work 4 days in a row then I have 3 days off for school. (by the time my work week to begins I feel thankful to get 4 days off of school!! ha!) I can multi-task, that isn't a problem either, at least I don't think it is. It's really hard going from a job that I had mastered into new territory in which I have no experience what-so-ever. I find myself wondering if I'm cut out for this. Maybe I'm better off behind a desk.

But I don't give up. I won't. I'm going to master this job like I do all other jobs I have set before me. In fact, the learning and mastering of skills is what gives me the most pride in jobs. Perhaps everyone fucks up as much as I do. Oh, and I cry, at work. I get so overwhelmed and stressed out that I burst into tears. I can't help it and I have to admit that it embarrasses me. I blame the outbursts on becoming pregnant because I don't remember being like this before I got pregnant. After I've calmed down I wonder what the big deal is. I need to learn a different way to cope with stress. I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow about all these feelings. (stoopid women and all their damn hormones and emotions.)

I've lost 40 pounds since January. Yoga and being a waitress has really helped me maintain my weight loss and aided in losing more weight! I'm going to try to lost another 10 by the end of the year! Go me! (hell ya I'll encourage myself!)

I'm going to take a bath and try and relax.

Men are idiots. Women are crazy. Women are crazy because men are idiots.

2005-09-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

I am looking forward to working a double on Friday so I don't have to do homework or have to be sitting in a class. I am taking 14 credit hours and working. blech. oh. I'm trying to do everything but my Biology homework. We have a test tomorrow and I'm not going to do very well. Luckily we get to drop our lowest test score. I'm having a hard time in Biology.

So I went out on a date last Saturday. It was awful. I wonder if he thought the date was as bad as I thought it was. This guy is shorter than I am, he had to tell me his good qualities, he chews (like Copenhagen) and swallows his spit! (ewwww), he drinks like there is no tomorrow, when he talks about his ex's he refers to them as "girls I had" which to mean he thought he owned them. He was trying to be profound and deep with me, but it was all stuff I had thought about when I was 19 and he's 30! He's been married and has two kids that he has no contact with, which bothers me, a lot. He's been to jail, twice, both times for assault. And we didn't talk about him that much. Oh yes, and then he was talking to me about compromise in a marriage and this was his example: He wants dinner on the table when he gets home, the dishes done, the kids in bed and his wife sitting on the couch naked, but if he gets home and dinners on the table, the kids are still up, the dishes are done and the wife is half dressed, he's okay with that. WTF? All he wanted to talk about was sex, I would change the subject and he always found somehow to talk about sex. sheesh. what a dumbass.

I hate dating, but I have to date to meet a good guy, right? On a dates I've been on since Josh, and there have been a few, I always get sick of the guy after a few hours. Right now it seems almost impossible that I'm going to meet a guy that I can stand for more than a few hours. I wonder what it's like to meet someone I actually want to go on a second date with.

Rough Draft #1

2005-09-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

The Pit was an escape for me, for all of us really, and always the highlight of my day. It had black light posters and the lights to match, a black metal bunk bed, TV, mini-fridge, and old brown carpet circa 1983. The thick sweet smell of pot smoke in the air and a stereo playing music that was unfamiliar to my ears but captured the rage in my heart was a constant. That’s where we usually where, the three of us, me, Josh, an’ Brannon. The gateway from The Pit to the outside world was painted black with red letters, where we could drink, smoke and draw pictures in the sand. After school we would wait with anticipation for 4:20 to roll around; then we’d roll around, laughing and fighting. Movies and popcorn were consumed in that room. Mambas, Sprite, Skittles and Boogers were all shared.

We all had a physical friendship, hitting, kicking, wrestling, and chasing. We could point to our bruises and recall the memories, who was being lippy and who had shut them up. We were each others living, breathing punching bags. Bodies were broken, but they always healed. Feelings were hurt, but all in good fun, right?

Brannon was a skinny, blond kid from New York with way more attitude than brawn. I met Brannon because I was friends with Josh. His teeth were crooked despite the years of metal in his mouth. He wasn’t attractive, didn’t have a great sense of humor nor was he too terribly smart. So where he got off on his self importance I’m not sure. Maybe it was compensation for his insecurities. With a friend like him who needed enemies? Brannon could be found in baggy pants with white tee shirts, and the smallest sized wife beater that hung off his almost sickly body.

Josh had the jaw of a young boy and the long hair from his childhood. His skin was smooth and white, a hard smile but soft eyes that showed you the depths of his soul and eyebrows that all but took over his forehead. I remember the moment I chose to love him, but that’s another story. He had a great sense of humor, a bad attitude, and always seemed more comfortable in his skin than I was in mine. Josh wore black boots, black baggy jeans and a dark shirt always with some sort of comic book art on it. Josh never hit me. If he ever bruised me it was purely on accident while wrestling. He always stuck up for me and protected me, usually from my friend Brannon.

Brannon admired Josh and was jealous of my relationship with Josh. Was it because he wanted to be better than Josh? Or was because he could appreciate the calmness in his uncomfort? Brannon secretly hated Josh because Josh was what Brannon could never be. Brannon was jealous of my relationship with Josh.

We had completed regular ritual of smoking and fighting. I was being particularly lippy that evening and laughed at Josh when he inquired to whether or not I wanted to be duct taped up. What could he have possibly thought my reaction was going to be? Brannon, always the one looking to find someone to beat up on because he had learned along the way by picking on others, he in his small frame would be left alone, thought Josh had come up with the best idea of the day and pounced. He channeled all his skinniness into his arms trying to wrestle me to the ground but with the fire of defeat in his eyes, he turned to anger. Failure dripped off his words, “Josh help me.” And Josh sitting there, on the bottom bunk, laughing at Brannon’s feeble attempt at domination, only to be beat by a girl.

To my great pleasure Josh joined forces with Brannon to conquer me. Pride swelled at the fact it took two boys to get me down. I fought to the bitter end which came with the first scandalous sound of duct tape being dislocated from the rest of its sticky, gray body. The tape found itself secured around my ankles and I found my hands behind my back with a large bracelet. I must admit I enjoyed being wrestled to the ground and being tied up. It was the first time and the last.

Josh, again with the bright ideas, asked Brannon, with the complete lack of seriousness, if he, too, wanted to bound. With surprise in my eyes I read the amazement at Brannon as Josh followed through with his offer. Josh was the leader of our pack, the Alpha-Male.
What a scene that would have made: Josh, master and controller of our fate, sitting on the bed with pot smoked eyes laughing at his loyal subjects, one taped into submission, one volunteer, both hopping around on knees. Somehow chases were being pursued in our taped state, cops and robbers. Ever my pursuant, Brannon had caught me again, this time trapped in a corner. He pressed his hollow chest into my back and with his large Italian nose and its constant leak, his right nostril made contact with my shoulder. And with movements of imagined domination his dripping nose was dry. I laughed. No big deal, I shrugged. It’s just boogers right?

With Brannon still tied up, my shoulder still slimy and a large glass of water in hand, I walk over to Brannon, my equal, and poured a little water down his back, his white shirt becoming transparent as the water soaked in. The next thing I know there is this little ball of Italian anger hopping around the room like a Mexican Jumping Bean. Kicking if he could have and because his arms are not at his beck and call, he hurled insults at me with the force of (he wanted to hurt me but couldn’t) something weak throwing something heavy (a pregnant poll vaulter?). Visible veins protruding from little arms and angry saliva shooting from his mouth with the same intensity as the daggers from his shallow eyes, his screams demanding he be cut free so he can “take care of me”. I left the safety of the Pit with confidence and ventured out into the clear Sedona night. The tall pine trees shadowing the street and the stinging fall air a refreshing slap in the face.

I find myself at the bottom of the hill when I hear the wheezing of asthmatic lungs and the slap of tennis shoes approaching. I turn around and face up the hill to see this thin white blur trying to keep body and feet in the same place at the same time, no part left behind. Brannon. I roll my eyes and sigh. I wait for him, fearing little, annoyed with much.

“What the fuck dude. I’m gonna kick your ass.” Keeping his elbows locked, the catapult releases. His fist is fired in a large half circular (circle?) motion, not the straight forwardness that requires contact. His left arm follows suit in the worst swing I’ve ever been witness to.
“Brannon, are you seriously upset?” I inquire incredulously. I can’t take him seriously, what’s a little water? We drink it, bathe in it, and play in it. Clothes are washed in it, food is cooked with it. He steps closer as I step back, our ever present dance of “friendship”. I’m full of confidence that I can knock this little fucker over with my pinky if needed, though his rage catches me off guard.

I don’t know how the situation was defused. I just know it was the first time Brannon tried to fist fight me with hatred in his veins, not the first friend though, and it, nor was he, the last.

The Future Is Just Another Now (so get your shit done today)

2005-08-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

My life is in total disarray. My purse is unorganized, my bedroom looks like a bomb exploded, and my bathroom is messy (and probably a little dirty too). The house I am living in is in permnant crazy mode.

I have 3 days left at work. 7 days until Hawai'i. 21 days until school starts. I have to pack, do laundry, throw stuff away from my storage unit, move chairs, tables, dressers, and too many clothes. Oh, and all of my 18 plants. I've got to pack for Hawai'i, buy books for school, and find a new job. My truck still hasn't sold. I have no idea how much time school work is going to take, so I can't estimate how many hours to work at a new job. Packing, did I mention packing? I am broke and I need spending money for Hawai'i, I have to pay for my books. Gas, my truck the gas guzzler........

2005-07-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

Wow. That was weird. Still not sure how I feel about it. No hurt feelings, no jealously, I don't feel the need to cry. I guess I finally know. It is what it is. Oh well. I'm glad I found out at a time where I feel ready for new things. I guess there may be a little fuzzy sadness around the edge, ahhh, I'll get over it. But that may be because I'm moody. We'll see. Time to move, no time to dwell.

Speaking of Josh I did meet a guy at the bar who's name is Josh. I have dating rules. The first is I will never date a guy I meet at a bar. The second rule is I will never date a guy with an ex-boyfriends name.

I finished the new Harry Potter book. It's sad.

2005-07-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

Dispite what my mom says, I am a hopeless romantic. And that is where the problems lies.

20 Lashes

2005-07-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Looook..... if I'm training you, do it my way. When I leave the office for good, do it your way, but until then I am still the teacher and you the student.

Don't be so creative

2005-07-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here trying to be patient. I don't really need to make this next statement, hoping that you can pick up on the emphasis of the word "trying" but... it's hard, trying to be patient. I'm trying to wait out this wave that almost controls my body. By using the word "trying" does that mean I have set myself up for failure?

I ordered a new computer. I should get it by Friday. I can justify myself for spending $900 on something that I don't really need (I already have one computer, and there are at least 3 more at my disposal if need be) by pointing the finger at school when I know truthfully that I just spent $900 on someplace to store my music for my iPod. My dad would be proud.

2005-07-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

What love we've given, we'll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.

Whirlwind

2005-06-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

I feel sick. I am so overwhelmed at the moment. So much to do. This is what needs to happen in the next 6 weeks:

- Go to California
- Go to Hawai'i
-Move to Prescott
-Train Amanda to do my job
-Sell my truck
-Find a new job
-Quit my job
-Register for school
-Start school
- Figure out a way to pay for everything above

Then there's Josh who won't leave me alone. He's driving me crazy. I love him and I enjoy seeing him but he adds so much stress to my life at the moment. I haven't been home to eat dinner in a week and a half. Too much shit to do. I need another massage to get out of my head for a little vacation. When I move I will be moving back in with my parents, which I really don't want to do. They are wanting me to buy a house. Like I can think about that at the moment.

Welcome Home

2005-06-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

I drove the "Drive Of Shame" this morning. My truck got egged last night, little bastards. I moved into a new house about 2 and half weeks ago. This is the third time that a vehicle has been egged since I moved in. The first two times it was Amanda's truck. So needless to say I was pretty angry this morning. I did notice something new about my reaction though. I bitched, I yelled a little bit and I cussed a whole lot. But my reaction to this headache wasn't all fire, rage and brimstone, it was more of a heavy annoyance. Now it's time to let it go.

My dog isn't with me at my new house. A puppy at the house I moved into had parvo. He's better now, but I can't take my dog there with the fear that she may get sick and die. I happen to like my dog.

My first night at my new house, the husband got belligerently drunk and beat someone up on the front porch. This house is also in the ghetto of Cottonwood. It's fucking great. It's been a disaster, living in this house. It's always exciting though. Something's always happening, some sort of drama. But I don't know if I need that drama. If I want drama I will watch TV. Thank you very much.

On a lighter note I am going to eat Sushi with Josh tonight. Tomorrow I am going on a sunset hike with my girlfriend Abby and Friday I get my hair done. I'm going to get it cut and dyed. I shall be a red head again.

Week-End Update

2005-06-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah!!! I talked to my girlfriend Christy last night. She was my best friend when I was dating Josh and while I was pregnant. We were good friends before that time, but got really close while I was dating Josh. I haven't seen her in about 3 years. She's coming into town on the 21st, 8 days! I can't wait to see her.

I'm going to be going to California (I hate California and all it stands for, well what I think it stands for) to see her in August and go to a Jack Johnson concert at the Greek Theater or something, which I guess is a mile from her house. So exciting!

I went to a bar on Saturday night. It's the second time I've ever been to a bar bar. I've been to restaurant bars and grills thingies, but only a bar bar once before, on my 24th birthday (see January). Anyway, I don't like people. And bars are full of them. A girlfriends boyfriend was playing in a band at the bar. I had fun listening to the music and hanging out with my girlfriend.

Had my first massage on Saturday. Hot Rocks Therapy. It was wonderful. I felt all fucked up afterwards though, like I was coming down off of some sort of a hallucinogenic. I was in a funk the rest of the day. I'm going to have to make a permanet habit of getting massages.

I've moved into my new house. I need to go clean the kitchen of my old house. I've been putting it off for a week now. I have two weeks to clean the kitchen. Don't make me do it!!!!

Went to dinner with Tatum, K, and Amber last week. They wanted to go to the Javelina Cantina (Have-a-lean-a Can-teen-a), which is Mexican Food. Josh's sister Cat works there. I don't like her. She's a bitch, a serious bitch. Not a bitch where it's a compliment. She's a cunt bitch. Needless to say, I do not like her. She pushed me when I was pregnant. Anyway, we went to eat and Cat was our waitress. She hadn't seen Tatum since February 15, 2003. So, she was a little surprised. 5 minutes after we left the restaurant Josh walked in. That would have been awkward. Glad we missed him.

My morning drive.

2005-06-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

It takes me about half an hour to get from my current house to my job. (Today is the last time I'm going to take that drive.) I do a lot of thinking on that drive while listening to music loudly with the window down.

This morning I was thinking about how two people can experience the same thing, together, and each person walks away with completely different views, ideas and memories of the event. How do talk to that person about those events when all the good times have floated to the top of their cup and yours is half empty?

I also realized that I am afraid of being in another relationship, and marriage scares me. Relationships and marriage never scared me before, but now they do. I'm going to become "that lady" that everyone wonders "Isn't she lonely?" or "Is she a lesbian?" and "I wonder what's wrong with her? There's got to be something if she's been single for all those years." But what they don't know about that lady is that she has friends and 400 vibrators. She is independent and can mow her own lawn.

But is she lonely? That I don't know. I think everyone wants there to be someone for them. Everyone that is alone has some sort of loneliness ebbing at them. Even people who have that someone can still feel that loneliness. I guess one has to be content by themselves to feel content with someone else.

Then there's that whole wanting what you don't want. That's confusing. And you have a dream that instills fear into you, which fuels all these private thoughts that invade your driving time. When all is combined it leads to fear which leads to staying away, which may or may not be a good thing.

A Ballet Dancer I am Not

2005-06-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am clumsy, I really am. It's sad actually. An ex of mine used to call me "Grace". I currently have 17 bruises all over my body. Two of them are very large and black. I have no idea where they come from. My mom thinks it's because I have thin blood. I also have two scars that are healing. Where those came from is a mystery as well. I stubbed my toe hiking on Monday. The toenail broke right in the middle of my large right toe. It follows a jagged line about 1/3 of the way down and is black. There will be no pedicures for me anytime soon.

I have had stitches 5 times. The first time I must have been 4. I dropped a glass and when it broke it cut my pinkie finger on my right hand. I still have a scar. The second time I was riding a bike when the breaks stopped working so I drove into the fence to stop. The pedal fell off the bike so there was just a metal rod, and that went into my calf. I had two layers of stitches. It didn't heal well so I have a gnarly scar. Third time I was making a potion or something after it rained and I stepped back on a sharp rock and cut my toes open. I was hoping I didn't have to get stitches, well for the obvious reasons. My mom almost passed out in the hospital. Fourth time I had surgery on my mouth. I had an impacted tooth, the doctor had to take a hammer and a chisel and chisel through the bone in my mouth to get to the tooth. And the last time I had stitches was when I had Tatum. She had her umbilical cord wrapped once around her neck then she had her left fist next to her face with the umbilical cord wrapped around her wrist.

When I was pregnant I had a LARGE purple bruise with a yellow rim. I used to threaten Josh that if he didn't behave I was going to tell everyone that he beat me. He behaved. We actually were laughing about that on Monday.

Reality or Fiction

2005-05-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have a girl friend who is breaking up with her boyfriend; two of them actually. One has been in a relationship with said soon to be ex for 3 years, for the other girlfriend it's been 2 years. It seems like such a waste, all those years, all that energy, all that emotion. Is there such a person as the "right one"? Or is it a sick ideal our parents and entertainment has lead us to believe all these years just to learn that person doesn't exist? I've spent my whole life knowing the right person is out there for me, waiting. I'm not so sure anymore.

Everyone has their problems, baggage if you will. It doesn't matter who you meet, you are always going to have fights, and there will always be the disagreements. Why spend X number of years with someone to just leave and start all over again with someone else? It's going to be the same shit again. It doesn't matter who it is.

I guess you could see it as learning experiences, but is anyone truly happy in a relationship? And this whole marriage thing baffles me. I can't imagine loving someone, wanting to still be around someone after 10, 20, 30 years. I have never loved anyone more than my ex, but I couldn't even stand him after 2 years. And we "match" up on so many levels. How do you imagine a love greater than what you have experienced? It's an unbelievable (selfless) love to stand someone after 50 years, when you get to the point that you don't really need to explain yourself anymore, where you can just be.

I see a beauty in growing old with someone. Looking at that person across the breakfast table, your habits having become a comfortable pattern, remembering all the pain you've helped them carry, the tears you've shed, in joy and sadness, for them, knowing how much of them actually makes up who you are. Knowing how much you have sacrificed for them with out a single touch of bitterness in your heart, only gladness knowing that you helped make that person happy. Does that really exist? I really hope so...

Films

2005-05-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd change my blog up a little bit. Got tired of the old one, besides green is my favorite color. I am going to fill out the Movie questions that
V sent to me. You will all find out how deep my movie knowledge actually goes.

Total number of films I own on dvd?
3, maybe. (Two of them are U2 dvd's)

The last film I bought?
Let's see. It was last Christmas and I bought 3 or 4 movies. Pirates of the Carribean maybe?

The last film I watched on TV?
Slackers- last weekend

In the cinema?
Monster In-Law with Amber. We were too trashed to drive, so we went and saw that movie to give us time to sober up.

Five films that I watch a lot or mean a lot to me: (I don't watch a lot movies over and over again.)

1. American History X- I LOVED this movie before I got pregnant, now I can't watch it.
2. The Little Princess- my mom bought this one for me when I was little.
3. How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days- Just funny, though sometimes it's a little too cheesy for me.
4. Garden State- It was suprisingly funny. It's okay to not be okay.
5.

2005-05-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

2005-05-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Father & Child meeting for the first time.

Butterflies

2005-05-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

So I got a call out of the blue from Josh last night, which I guess his calls are becoming more regular and not so random. He called me again today. He's going with me to meet Tatum tonight for the first time since I gave birth. Amber said he's "probably as nervous as a whore in church." I'm nervous for him; and excited. Today is a big day, it's a life changing day.

I can't hear you!! lalalalalala!

2005-05-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

So the lady that I was supposed to go to Ireland with flaked out on me. I can get over it, in fact I am well on my way. On Friday she had a little, um, chat with me about my attitude. I pride myself on my honesty and try to be honest with myself. So when she brought the subject up it wasn't anything new or shocking. I can be a bitch, I can be uptight, I can be unforgiving, I can be blunt and rude. I am usually okay with that, usually.

I was receptive of the things she said and realized that they were truth. So, fine. I am now aware of these things about myself and will work on saying "Fuck You" with a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face instead of the way I ususally do it.

Today she walked up to me and said, "Oh, I forgot the notes again. I want to bring them to you. I keep forgetting. They are from the sermon on Sunday, it's about one's attitude." I kept my face turned away from her busying myself with paper shuffling. I did not want her to see my face turn red and the annoyance that was filling my eyes to shoot daggers at her. I just nodded.

Okay, lady, look. I got your point. It was unsolicited advice, and I didn't thank you for it. Now you are starting to piss me off. And instead of having me be receptive to what you said and willing to work on it, you are gonna piss me off, which isn't going to do anything but make my attitude worse, and this time it's gonna be directed at you.

Brin's Mesa

2005-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

As I said earlier I went hiking with Abby on Sunday. We started the hike at 8:30, we were done by 10:30. It was hot, damn hot that day. It must have been 95* by the time we got back to my truck. We took breaks as the hike provided no shade, no water to play in and the merciless sun doing it's best at pummeling us into submission. It was a gradual climb, then suddenly it was a stairway. Abby commented that at the top of this climb there had better be Heaven. It was hell. Her dog, Simon, would run in front of us, find a shady spot, sit there and wait for us to catch up.

Abby brought her camera in so I could download the pictures onto my computer. As the downloading commenced I found ass pictures! It was great. I laughed, she laughed. Then she told me a few stories which I will not be sharing on here, though I'm sure you would enjoy reading them. No ass pictures either. But here are the pictures from the hike. Enjoy!

Hiking

Hiking

Doggie Hot Pants

2005-05-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are pictures of Sophie in her HotPants.

For your viewing pleasure:

Sophie

Sophie

Mindless Dribble.

2005-05-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my office thankful for the refuge from the intense sun (104*) and the warm breeze that hits your neck like hot breath. I've had a dull headache all day from lack of caffeine. I am sipping iced tea and listening to the new AudioSlave album, trying to decide whether or not I want to spend my hard earned dollars on it.

I'm tired though I slept well last night. Abby didn't sleep well, she blames the moon. Does the moon, on a scientific and molecular level, really affect ones sleep? Speaking of the moon, I think I am going to go home and read. I bought a Dean Koontz book that I haven't gotten around to reading. I currently am reading.... none of your damn business. You've never heard of it? You should check it out.

I went hiking on Sunday with Abby. She a girl who works at my office that is my age. She's into a lot of the same things I am into, which is nice. My ass hurts from hiking, and it was hot, damn hot on Sunday. We took pictures with her camera, so I will post some pictures. She said that she would be interested in going on vacation with me this summer. She wants to go on a cruise to Jamaica, which I am totally into though it isn't my idea of where I wanted to go on vacation.

Tatum broke her arm last week. She's so funny. The first thing she did when she got back from the doctor was to climb on her parents bed and jump off their bed with her arm in a stint. She's fearless and determined. Watch out world, here she comes!

I bought a cell phone. I am officially in the world. I am moving in 2 weeks. I have packed 2 boxes of books and one box of bathroom stuff. *sigh* Moving, is not something I really am into doing at the moment. Oh well. I also have to get my dog fixed. She went into heat and is making a mess. I bought her some HotPants. I'll take a picture for you all to see. Expect that tomorrow.

Recommendations

2005-05-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone, I just found out that the lady I am supposed to go to Ireland with doesn't want to go anymore. Sad. So I have two weeks of paid vacation time heading my way. My cousin lives in Chicago, so I am going to go there. Anybody ever been to Chicago? Is there anything I should specifically see? Let me know. That trip will take only a few days, maybe 5 with the flying and such. I need ideas of where to go and what to do once I get there. Here are a few idea's I've had:

Telluride,CO for the BlueGrass Festival
Canada, for the beautiful nature
A cruise to Alaska (though I don't really want to go on a cruise)
Mexico- been there, done that.

Please, someone, do you have any ideas of good vacation spots? Let's keep in mind that I enjoy hiking, and being outside.

I want to be the song, the song you hear in your head

2005-05-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Amber nominated me to do this, I think it will be fun. I wonder how many times U2 will show up on this list. Let's begin.

1. The total volume of music files on your computer:
6.77 GB (7,271,559,454 bytes)
1,742 files, 285 folders

2. The last cd you bought:
Blink 182- Blink 182 but I actually had that one before and left it on the plane. So the first NEW album I bought was Jack Johnson- In Between Dreams

3. Song playing right now:
Midnight Rider by The Allman Brothers Band

4. Five songs that I listen to a lot or that a lot to me ( in no particular order):

1. New Years Day- U2 (EVERY U2 song)
2. Mellow Mood- Bob Marley
3. The Weight- The Band
4. Under Pressure- The Used & My Chemical Romance
5. Better Together- Jack Johnson

5. Which 5 people are you going to pass the baton onto and why?

1. You
2. Your Mom
3. The dog
4. That guy over there
5. HER Mom

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!

2005-05-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-Workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much ass, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially annouce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour- no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as the other co-workers take their turns slapping the
irritant.
* No weapons are allowed.... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole- puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipeint, your "assult" must be
followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-ass always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor (or police, if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to
LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping... and have a great day!

Again I'm Wating For This To Fill The Holes

2005-05-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been at a place with someone where you can't be anything BUT honest with him or her? It's almost sickening because you have all the confessions on the tip of your tongue, waiting to be vomited, your soul purged, if they would just ask the right questions. So comfortable with them, conversation flows, and even when the moment stills you can feel the unspoken acceptance in the air, flitting around your head and in your ears like the bugs that find solace at dusk. Your lives are being lead with the same ideals but do not include each other. Are you ever left desiring something you don't even want? The reach is there, but there is no want to grasp what you are reaching for. Your heart almost tricks you into believing that is what you desire; but your soul shakes you awake out of your stupor knowing that that's not what you want or need. Your heart is light and carefree in the moment, warming your skin like the sun. It's after you have said your good-byes that your tongue is left sticky and dry with spittle that even the coolest, freshest spring water won't wash away.

You see that person for who they are under the beard and long hair. You know that the clothes don't make that man, it's just stuff. You realize what other people see, the hippie hair and hiking shoes make up who they think he is, but it's what he wants you to see. It's to a point that this, this is what makes a life partner. The comfort, the honestly, the fearlessness in just being, the goals and ideals that match up on so many levels. But it's not what I want, it's not who I want. I'mokay without you. It may have taken me to get to this place, the place where we just are, to finally realize that you are not it.

A little somethin' for ya

2005-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

The Dangers of Still Water During the Summer

2005-05-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

I had to pee.

It's been a good day so far and I was feeling a strong wave of happiness at that moment. It changed suddenly from a strong wave of happiness to a strong wave of nausea. I walked into the bathroom whistling U2's "Angel of Harlem", a swing in my step and a light in my eyes. I lifted up the toilet seat, and there it was. A turd. Floating. Whom ever it belonged to had lettuce to eat earlier because I could see the tenicles. Tentacles like an octopus, just hovering in the water, waiting calmly for its victim. Don't you make sure all your, um, stuff is flushed? Maybe next time I will leave my bloody toilet paper in the pot, that will teach them.

AND, AND (I know this be I checked) the sink was dry. Sick fucks.

Thanks to Greg's poop website (do you like how I've made that your website now Greg?) I know that whom ever's turd that is, because it was floating it has a lot of gas in it. Maybe I should buy a bottle of Beano and leave in the bathroom.

Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

2005-05-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

Let me paint a picture for you: I live in Rimrock Arizona, population 3,000 (seriously). I live on a dirt road, my house being the third one on the right. To the left is a ditch. Recently someone made a, um, "bridge" over the ditch. If you drive over the "bridge" you will drive right into my driveway. The bridge is two large concrete drainage pipes with dirt, probably from the ditch, packed down over the pipes.

Last night, after working out, I turned onto my little dirt road. Hello neighbors, I wave politely. Glare at the evil bitch who lives next door to me (we all think she killed my dogs). And as I am driving up to my driveway I see a group of 8 to 10 kids standing on the bridge in a large circle. Puff, puff give. I saw one kid handing the joint to the next kid in line. Now, the area across from my house is flat, not real trees or bushes. The kids were in direct view of 10 houses. Now, if you are going to be doing drugs, let's be smart about it shall we? Don't do it where you can get caught, you dumbshits, at least go into the ditch to get high.

I thought to myself, proudly, I never did drugs in obvious places where I could have been caught. That pride fizzled after, oh, 30 seconds. The memories flooded back: getting stoned in the bus circle, getting stoned in parking lots, getting stoned at home with my head hanging out the window, taking acid at school, ect, ect, ect.... Luckily I've never been arrested for doing drugs. I guess when you do do drugs you have to go through the dumb parts, those usually stop when you stop doing drugs.

Sidetracked

2005-05-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own little quirks. It's what makes you you. Sometimes you find them endearing. Other times they are like that little spider speeding out of your shoe.

Speaking of bugs in your shoes, when we lived in Silver City, NM my parents bought this house that was falling down and unlivable. The previous owners husband actually committed suicide in the garage that we played Hide & Seek in. That garage was big enough to be it's own small house. The house was old and there were a lot of bugs. There was a 2 foot crawl space under the house that was prime breeding ground for spiders, cockroaches, stink bugs and other various strange bugs. Anyway, they bought it and fixed this house up beautifully.

Growing up we were poor. P-O-O-R. I knew we didn't have money, but I didn't know exactly how dire the situation actually was. Every year the church that my dad was pastoring at would give us 2 or 3 grocery carts full of non-perishable food. I didn't get to go on a Start Of School Shopping Spree until I was in high school. I usually got Amber's old clothes or clothes from other girls in the church. They never fit, but I was clothed. I did get new clothes at Christmas. There was the one time that Amber and I both forgot our suitcase when we went on vacation. Factory 2-U here we come! We were illegible for WelFare, I don't know if they ever collected it or not.

I used to get $5.00 canvas shoes from WalMart. In third grade I had a red pair. They were too small and my toes had worn holes in the front of the shoes. I asked my mom for a new pair of shoes and she said I couldn't get new ones. So I tucked the tongue of the shoe into the shoe to cover the holes (by this time I couldn't wear the shoes if I wore laces). The next time we went to WalMart I asked again for a new pair of shoes. My mom told me that she couldn't afford them. I accepted that response. The third time I asked and she told me again that she couldn't afford them I got angry. I didn't believe her. I remember yelling at her. "You are telling me that we can't afford a five dollar pair of shoes?!?!" I remember her response as being a simple "yes" but there being a lot more to that three letter word that day.

Okay, there IS a point to this, I promise. One Sunday morning I was getting ready for church, I had a pair of White $5 WalMart canvas shoes at that time, I was wearing the outfit I wore every Sunday and sitting in the hallway putting my shoe on. The bottom of the shoes had a huge hole in the sole where the ball of my foot was. So I was my toes weren't going into the shoe, so I wiggled them a little, then a little harder and they finally, popped into place. I stood up and I felt something tickling my foot. So I wiggled my toes, maybe it was a rock? Took a step, nope still there. So I took my shoe off and shook my shoe upside down and the largest cockroach I have ever seen in real life fell out of my shoe.

I started this post out with a completely different idea in mind, but this is what it ended up as.

This is an A, B, C conversation, so get the hell out.

2005-05-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is something that has always bothered me. When you are arguing with people and they ask you "Do you know who you're talking to?" I hate that. Do I give a fuck who you think you are? Not really. You're an asshole just the same.

I also hate it when you are fighting with someone and all their friends want to get involved. It's between you and that person not you and all your people vs them and all their slutty friends. 2 people, not me, you and your white trash friends. I mean can't we argue like adults? I guess if we could we wouldn't be fighting but discussing. I have always been able to hold my own in the situations where everyone gets involved.

Or when you are fighting with your boyfriend and his whole family gets involved. What is that all about? The relationship is between you and he, his mom does not need to get involved. He's a big boy, he doesn't need mama sticking up for him, he can do it his own damn self. And if he can't, bye-bye, because I need a strong man. Someone to stick-up for themselves, someone who can argue a point, someone who can put me in my place when need be. No wimps for me. (I am not talking about beating me either.)

People need to be secure and confident enough in themselves to stick up for themselves when attacked. I've had friends who were dating and when they broke up I've continued being friends with both of them. When they broke up, their relationship between each other ended, I was not involved. Or friends who started to fight and ended up hating each other, again, it doesn't effect me. Are you getting the point here?

Ready or not here I come!

2005-05-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

I smell good. I bought new perfume on Sunday. I strayed away from Cool Water for Women, which is what I usually wear to Tommy Girl Jeans. I really like it.

I am selling my truck. I need to get an inexpensive vehicle to drive while I am in school and living on my own. I'm hoping that it doesn't mean ugly. I want to drive a car that I LIKE as much as I find it affordable. My dad wants me to get a Saturn, I would rather get a Toyota of some sort. I am in love with Toyota's.

I am going to get a cell phone. I have never had a cell phone. I guess there is a first for everything. I also found someplace to live that I can afford. And I'm going to get Sophie, my puppy, fixed this month before I move. So much to do, but a lot of it is taking care of its self. I am a woman with a plan.

Watch out world here I come!

A place to call home

2005-05-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your votes. It has been decided that a Mullet on a woman is a lot worse than a shaved head.

So, as you all know, and if you didn't know, you will know now, my house sold. I am researching the cost of living on my own and it is FREAKING exepensive. $1250.00 just to move in. I don't have $1250.

I will share my favorite ad from the newspaper:

Luxury, West Sedona spirit filled home seeks third person. No smoking. $600/month, plus. Call Tim ......

$600+ for a haunted room? I don't think so.

I'm going to talk to Amanda about living with her, it was offered and it's about the only thing I can afford right now. I could live in my truck and shower at the gym.

Poll

2005-05-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

What is worse on a girl:

A shaved head OR a mullet?

The polls are open now.

Barbie Dolls

2005-05-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched "I Want A Famous Face" on MTV. It was disgusting. The kid on it last night, Martin, had 6, SIX procedures done on his face. They showed the before and after, he doesn't even look the same, which I guess is the point.

I began thinking about it. What if Tatum got plastic surgery? I would be insulted. Are my gene's not good enough for her? She looks like me. It would hurt my feelings that she doesn't love and appreciate the heritage she has. She needs to change it to look like someone else.

Parents need to be teaching their kids that everyone is unique and that's the way it's supposed to be. Don't get a whole new face to make yourself feel better about yourself so other people will like you better because you are prettier. They don't like you for you, like you for the face you are wearing that isn't even really you!

What the fick?

2005-05-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

My boss just handed me an internet lead with an agents name of "David" on it.

Boss: Which David is this?

Me: I have no idea.

Boss: Well you wrote it.

Me: I know that. When did I write it? May 3, 2004. That was over a year ago.

Boss: Well, which David was it? How many David's did we have then?

Me: I don't know.

Boss: Gawd.

Different Day, Different Conversation:

As you all know Amber is my sister. Amber is the only sister I have. My boss knows this. Amber used to work at the same place I work at.

Me: What day is June 10th?

Boss: Thursday. Why?

Me: Because my sister sold my house and that's the closing date.

Boss: What sister?

2005-05-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

A Little Pick Me Up

Pushed into reality.

2005-05-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

I slept last night from 9:30 until 7:20 this morning. My workout last night kicked my ass. I haven't lost any weight in 2 weeks, but I've also been lazy. I started using the Elliptical Machine and started working out my upper body in the effort to get my weight loss going again. Besides, I don't like my fat arms.

The closing date on the house I am living in is June 10th. I'm a little stressed and sad. I like living alone. I like my house. I'm going to have to rent a room in Sedona or the surrounding area because I can't afford anything else.

My house selling also presents me with another problem besides having to find a good home for my cat, and finding someplace new to live, I now need to decide whether or not I want to stay in Sedona, or just move to Prescott and start school earlier than I planned. It depends on when I go to Ireland too. If we are back from Ireland in time for me to start school I will go for the Fall Semester. If we are still in Ireland, I may move, get a job and wait it out. OR I may stay here until January then move. See, I've a lot to think about. I need to bounce ideas off someone. I guess the first thing I should do is get the dates we are going to be gone, then at least that would eliminate some of the questions I have concerning what to do.

I've been got.

2005-05-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Amber chose me to do this exercise. It is an opportunity to be a child again and say, if I could be anything, this is what I would be and why. Only, instead of everything, I had to choose from a list. And I must keep the game going by choosing three of you to do this as well. So, BugsButt, Blue and Philip, choose three professions and write about them in any way you want. Add your profession to the bottom of the list and choose three more people.

If I were a chef: I would have the best show on The Food Network and create amazing dishes putting crazy ingredients together like black pepper and chocolate. Everything would I created would be amazing, a bad meal would never develop from my magic hands. I would be the reigning champ on Iron Chef, America. All other chefs would quiver in fear from my amazing talent.

If I were a rich girl: I would travel the world and shop. I would want a family. I would not live outrageously, and try to stay humble. I would volunteer my time for a cause I had reseachered and deemed worthy. I would also get a part time job so that I would have something to do. I can't imagine sitting around all time, doing nothing. I would go to school so I would be book smart. I would have hobbies like painting and gardening.

If I were an innkeeper: I would have a beautiful bed and breakfast with a lush garden with grass, trees, flowers, herbs, fruits, and vegetables. I would create gourmet breakfasts for my guests. Each room would have a different theme. I would have large windows to take full advantage of the gardens. There wouldn't be a lot of rooms so that I could clean them myself. I would offer something unique for the area I was in. I would create such a calming, relaxing, fun environment that my guests would be repeat customers and they would all become like an extended family.

If I were a scientist...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a circus clown....
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a servicemember...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a rich girl...
If I could be a witch...
If I could be self employed...
If I could be an office manager...

Week-End Update with LisaFaye

2005-05-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

My house sold. I have to move. I don't want to move. I like living alone. Me, my cat and my dog. It's nice. I'm going to have to rent a room out. I want to keep my dog but I am eventually going to have to get rid of my cat? Anyone want a cat?

My current job has taught me the art of biting ones tongue. I'm still perfecting it. I find it hard to not tell people what I think they should do. How do to their job, what they should do in their relationships, how to manage their finances. I wouldn't like it if someone was telling me all the time what they think I should do. So I refrain from opening my mouth. Even when I asked I don't always say everything that runs through my brain.

I went hiking with Josh. I know that you all are probably sick of hearing about Josh, I'm a little sick of writing about him. We had fun. He said he wants to go see Tatum, with me for the first time. That made me really happy to hear. His mom doesn't hate me, which is nice to know too.

I got Josh out of a ticket. He was pulled over by Dave. Dave was the cop at the high school and he loved me. I liked him a lot too. I was a punk rock kid running around with a bad attitude and a shaved head, and he loved me. Dave pulls Josh over and asks for the regular proper identification. When he finds out that Josh is that Josh he wants to know how I am, he asks about Tatum and wanted to know how Josh was dealing with the adoption. He then tells Josh to tell me 'hi' for him and let's Josh on his merry way. (I think Josh should have gotten a ticket. He was driving after drinking. So baddddddddd. Teach his ass a lesson. Dumbshit.)

2005-04-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

That's neater than a peter.

Testing, Testing. 1,2. 1,2,3,4.

2005-04-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am messing with this Hello picture thing. I want to run to Amber and have her do it for me, but I'm smart and I can figure it out. Let's see if it works!

Hiking With Tatum

I've got a lot to say for not feeling like blogging

2005-04-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am so not in the blogging mood today. I will have to take a moment or two tomorrow to catch up. *sigh* I went hiking with K and Tatum on Saturday. It was really nice. We didn't really hike very far. Tatum got to a place on the trail that was fun for her, so we hung out.

I have a name. Tatum calls me something that sounds like Jenny or Ninny or Tinny or Tiny or something along those lines. She doesn't call me Annalisa or Anna or Lisa, which is okay with me. I have a name.

Tatum sometimes likes to be called "Gabby". I find that very strange. I guess when K and J are talking to her and call her by her name she will tell them, "My name is Gabby." and will argue with them until they refer to her as Gabby. So they call her Gabby for a while and she forgets about it and will go back to being Tatum again. When she asks to be called Gabby she responds to that name as readily as she does her real name. Who else finds this odd? Maybe kids do it all the time. I don't know. I've never raised a child before.

I am going hiking with Josh on Saturday. I am very much looking forward to it. Since he called me last week he won't get out of my head. It's driving me crazy. I have been having dreams about every night. Sometimes more than once a day on the occasion I take a nap. I'm hoping that hiking with him will get him out of my system. Nothing else seems to be working. I'm looking forward to seeing him, but dreading the fact that my plan may back fire. Oh well.

I never want to get married. Well, I do want to get married, but it actually, really scares me. Amber's mother-in-law is insecure with herself so she points out the faults of everyone else hoping no one will see the faults she sees in herself. (I got that from my own personal experiences, and has nothing, nothing to do with anything Amber has said.)
My younger brother and his wife have are having marriage problems. Nathan is doing something Katie doesn't approve of. He's gotten fired over it and lies about it. When they argue they throw things and break stuff. His mother-in-law airs their dirty laundry then tells Katie how easy it would be for her to divorce Nathan. yuck.
My big brother's in-laws tried to get in on the family raising and Philip and his wife had to put their foots down. They didn't talk to his in-laws for a year. Luckily Philip's wife stuck by Philip and they fought the battle together, and won. It would have been hard if they were divided on the issue. I know that when you marry, you marry the family too. It's scary. I want to live happily ever after....

Drool In A Cup Fun

2005-04-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

Let's recap shall we:

Vagina Boogers

Nipple Hill

Ugly, old, fat lesbians making out on the corner in broad daylight

A man so incredibly sexy it was rude. (This man was walk into a wall hot. Helllooooo Nurse!)

I ate sushi for the first time and it was sooooooooo good. I now love sushi.

I made a Bruce Lee buddie.

I am not allowed to use Amber's loofah to clean my private parts, must use hands

8 year olds wanting to sip Amber's $300 overpriced Pina Colada

Gay ass Lion Hats

The best shirt EVER: Satisfaction Guaranteed, Call 555-HAND

Time to go eat. More stories later.

beepbeepbeepbbeeeeeppp*

2005-04-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

It is dead silent in the office right now. Which means I am tired. Really tired. I hate silence, I always need some sort of backround noise, preferably my choice of music. In the mornings I have music going, it gets me going. I couldn't even sing along with Jack this morning on my drive to work. *sigh* IS it nap time yet? This post isn't very well written because my fingers are so heavy and my brain is focusing so much on lifting the leaden things to type that it can't concentrate (I just read this sentence 4 times trying to remember where I was going with this) on making it sound good. No proper English for me today. I will NOT be multi-tasking today.

Update: I emailed Gabe, but he did not email me back. Oh, well. My life has continued on.

I am over my Josh high and decided that I am happy loving him and not being in love with him.

I am wearing a black bra.

Warm Fuzzies

2005-04-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am so happy today. Before I tell you all why I am so happy today I want you all to know that I wrote and email to "Gabe" yesterday, then I realized that I don't have his email address! And by the time Amber gave me his email address I chickened out. Oh well, his loss.

Everyone needs to go check out Luke's blog. I think it applies to what happened to me last night. Luke talks about letting someone go even though you love them and it's painful.

Last night Josh called me out of the blue. Josh and I have known each other for 9 years and he's called me maybe 5 times. We talked for a little over 2 hours, at midnight I had to let him go. I can't stop smiling. I don't think we are going to get back together, but from our conversation I know that he still loves me. I didn't even know he cared. (I'm having a hard time putting into words what I want to relay to you).

As I was talking to Amber yesterday she discovered that I have a timeline in my life, Before Josh and After Josh. I realized how lame I actually am. An Ex-Timeline. sheesh. *rolling my eyes* I told him that last night. He didn't think it was lame, he was flattered (I hate when guys say that... we all know what it really means.) He came to confess to me that he has a Before Annalisa and an After Annalisa timeline too. Then he told me that I'm still the biggest part of his life. (I feel all warm and fuzzy right now).

After my first experience with Japanese food . He told me felt like such an ass afterward because I didn't enjoy myself. Which I know to be untrue because I was with Josh. And that's always a good time.

I find my laugh overly loud and obnoxious. I told him that last night as I'm sure I blew his ear drum from laughing. He told me that he loves my laugh. He took me for a trip down memory lane where he used to intentional get me to laugh uncontrollably because he loved it when I would do that. People would drive by us in our car with our faces all red with Josh spiting on the steering wheel, giving up weird looks.

He was sweet last night. Told me that we had a good relationship, it was always a lot of fun for him. And that he's forgiven me for all the stuff I deserved to be forgiven of. *sigh* We are going hiking next week-end.

U2 was on TV last night, a show I've been trying to catch for a few weeks. But I didn't watch it because I was talking to Josh. My mom came and saw me this morning. She gave me a book and a bracelet as a present. I can't stop smiling. (I know you guys don't care BUT I AM HAPPY!)

So uptight it hurts.

2005-04-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Amber is trying her damndest to convince me to email Gabe, the boy who molested her at the U2 concert. I thought he was very cute, but he was interested in my married big sister, which is the way it always seems.

Here is this current conversation. (I am Iron Eye. Don't ask).

Amburger says:
You should email Gabe

Iron Eye says:
Why?

Amburger says:
Tell him you want an Uno rematch and to have his babies

Iron Eye says:
yeah. okay.

Amburger says:
What???!?!?!!

Iron Eye says:
What?

Amburger says:
yeah. okay. When it was like the best idea EVER

Iron Eye says:
Hi Gabe er Emrys. I want an Uno Rematch, OH! AND! I forgot to tell you, I want to have your babies.

Amburger says:
No, you don't tell him you want to have his babies

Iron Eye says:
I feel weird being attracted to someone who so closely reminds me of my cousin

Iron Eye says:
I should blog about that one, or not.

Amburger says:
Just keep the lines of communication open for next time you are in Alburquerque

Iron Eye says:
okay. Because I go to Alburquerque ALL the time.

Amburger says:
Well....you never know.

Amburger says:
What if he moves to Prescott?

Amburger says:
See!!

Amburger says:
Just email his sorry ass already.

Amburger says:
shessh

Amburger says:
Quit analyzing everything, sister o' mine

Amburger says:
You found a cute boy that likes U2. He specifically said in his email to tell you hello.

Amburger says:
I am leaving the computer now to see what I can do that is productive with my life.

Iron Eye says:
Don't you think it's odd that I am attracted to someone that reminds me of my cousin?

Iron Eye says:
And not Joel.

Amburger says:
No

Amburger says:
Is no good for you?

Amburger says:
So what if he bears a resemblance to Abe?

Amburger says:
he's tall, dark and handsome. Not your fault. he's not your cousin. he is funny.

Iron Eye says:
okay

Amburger says:
I think he is cuter than Abe.

Iron Eye says:
I'm going to say this: I think you're hot because you are tall dark and handsome. You remind me a little too much of my cousin, but I'm still attracted to you. Can I have your babies?

Iron Eye says:
Besides, he liked you.

Amburger says:
I wouldn't tell him any of that.

Amburger says:
Besides, I'm married

Iron Eye says:
It was a joke. sheesh.

Amburger says:
Just jump into something without thinking for once.

Amburger says:
He's a Christian.

Amburger says:
He likes U2

Amburger says:
He has dark curly hair

Iron Eye says:
I'm going to tell him that your husband didn't like him molesting you.

Amburger says:
He's tall

Amburger says:
That's fine

Amburger says:
He's funny

Amburger says:
Why the hell are we still talking

Amburger says:
?

Amburger says:
I cannot believe you need convincing.

Iron Eye says:
I don't even know what I would say.

Amburger says:
I will send you a pic I didn't send him.

Iron Eye says:
Okay.

Iron Eye says:
*sigh*

Amburger says:
What?

Amburger says:
The dude lives in NM!!!

Amburger says:
it's not that big of a deal

Amburger says:
Unless it works out or something

Amburger says:
Live a little

Iron Eye says:
i am blogging about this

Amburger says:
That you can't loosen up where boys are concerned to even send an email to someone that in all likelihood you will never talk to again but there is a slim chance because he is everything on your list but you come up with lame excuses.

Amburger says:
My lame excuse would be that his name is Emrys

****************************************

I am so uptight I can't even email a cute boy who I will never talk to or see again.

Let's talk about me now.

2005-04-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am going to make a list of stuff about me because nothing exciting happened yesterday.

1. I am supposed to be taking meeting notes right now.
2. I am blogging instead.
3. I am the third of four kids.
4. I used to come home sober and everyone thought I was stoned. So I started going home stoned all the time.
5. I started drinking in 7th grade, though I never thought of myself as a drinker, still don't.
6. I had a shaved head my Jr. & Sr. years of high school.
7. I did not graduate from high school, which is embarrassing.
8. The GED test was the easiest, most ridiculous test I have ever taken.
9. I gained 100 pounds in a year.
10. If smoking pot was legal, I would be a pot head again.
11. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 19.
12. My dad made me get my drivers license.
13. My parents forgot me at church on a Wednesday night after Awana and I had to walk in the dark with coyotes howling 5' away from me.
14. I got into the car with a strange older man that night. It was the only time I have ever done that.
15. I lost my virginity when I was 19.
16. I had sex for the first time because I wanted to, not because I was in love.
17. I have been to 5 U2 concerts.
18. I find tattoos are incredibly sexy.
19. I want a tattoo, but don't know what to get.
20. I know more about how the office runs than my boss does.
21. I want to have 3 kids.
22. I am the only not married child of my parents.
23. I like brussel sprouts.
24. I used to own a bong, 2 pipes, and a steam roller.
25. I never like anyone when I meet them for the first time.
26. I don't trust men.
27. I drive a Toyota Tundra.
28. I was born on a Thursday at 8:29am.
29. I have been dying my hair since I was in 7th grade.
30. I have been wearing glasses since I was in 1st grade.
31. I have never been in a fight.
32. My sister is my best friend.
33. I used to have a pet rat named Boofus.
34. I prefer shrooms over acid.
34. I like to hike.
35. I am very honest and very blunt about it.
36. I quit smoking cigarettes, cold turkey, for a boy.
37. I think the most important part of being sexy is feeling sexy.
38. My dad used to say that I would enter the room mouth first.
39. I played basketball in high school until I discovered drugs.
40. I tried to commit suicide.
41. I am a happy, well rounded person now.
42. I have a gay uncle.
43. My dad is a Baptist Pastor.
44. My Grandpa Brownie is the only person I've been close to that has died.
45. Everyone calls me "Little Joyce" because I take after my Grandmother so much.
46. If a man has dark curly hair (on his head), he is automatically my type.
47. I don't regret giving my daughter up for adoption.
48. Smoking pot is suppresses my appetite. (I drink A LOT of water instead of eating).
49. I am very passionate.
50. I hate unopinionated people.
51. My favorite cousin, Abe the Babe, lives in NC.
52. I have been to the Caribbean, Hawai'i and will shortly add Ireland to that list of places I have visited off the mainland.
53. My favorite color is Kelly Green.
54. I love the word "cunt". It's fun to say.
55. The smell of kind bud turns me on and makes my mouth water.
56. Amber once carried on a conversation with me in my sleep.

tick tock tick tock tick

2005-04-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

WTF?! It's not even 3:00 yet and I am soooooooooooo bored. I'm dying over here. Please kill me or carry me off away from this devil place where time stands still.

If by yes you mean yes, THEN YES!

2005-04-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

It is only 11:00 am but it feels like it should be 1:00pm, which means that I have been WAY too productive today. When 1:00 actually rolls around I'm gonna have nothing to do. So I am slowing down, going with the blog flow, killing time until 1:00 shows up so I can start working again.

I smuggled the camera that Amber took pictures with into the concert in my bra. Couldn't even tell. Even if you felt my boobs you couldn't tell there was a camera in there. Nice, huh?

I walked to get the mail today and 4 men rubbernecked it to look at me. DAMN do I look good. I don't actually think I look that good, but if men, 4 of them, are rubbernecking it to stare at me I've gotta look smokin'. It's amazing how 24 pounds can effect people's reactions to you. Too bad no Tacoma's drove by on my short jaunt out.

I bought a knee-high pair of brown LEATHER boots at Dillard’s on Friday for $13.35! What a steal! I left my box in Amber's car and didn't get my box back until Sunday night. It's a good thing I didn't need my box over the weekend. Wouldn't have wanted to be caught with my panties down and be boxless! That would have been embarrassing.

Excuse me, I find you RUDE!

2005-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Peg, the Lady Who Steals Girl Scout Cookies, quit on Thursday. Friday was her last day. She told my boss that I am very intelligent and that I am very good at what I do and am efficient. She also told him that waste a third of my time on the computer and talking on the phone. I was a little angry when I heard that. Well, Peg, you wasted most of your time at work because you are too frickin' stoopid to grasp the single concept of putting papers where they belong in the file.

Everyone has their type of a sexy vehicle. For me it's a Toyota Tacoma. I think they, and by they meaning me, should screen everyone interested in purchasing a Tacoma. I always feel tricked, betrayed, and a little dirty when driving down the road and the sexiness of the Tacoma catches my eye to find someone other than a hot piece of ass driving. I have, HAVE to check out which young stud is driving and to my dismay it's a woman, or an old man. The old man I can let by, but a woman?!? No, no, honey, no. Didn't you get the memo? Young hot studly men drive Tacoma's. You dirty bitch, you. Tricking unsuspecting sexy women like myself to lust after you for a moment until we realize it's you and not the young man who finds me as beautiful as I actually am. Not fair. RUDE!

Went to the U2 concert on Friday. It was AMAZING. I felt a little dirty there as well. Bono was humping the air while singing "She's slippery, she's sliding down..." He did a little back and forth action then a little to the side, then the other side. I felt almost voyeuristic, like walking in on someone doing something you shouldn't be seeing. Woops. Sorry 'bout that.

There was also this really rude guy of the Asian descent cutting in front of this woman who was patiently waiting to spend her hard earned money on over priced concert T-Shirts and such. He bumped in front of her and sticks his money out "I WANT TO BUY A HAT!!" She confronts him and tells him to wait his damn turn. So the Helper Lady who takes your money walks over to the patient lady and the rude guy sticks his arm out and gets helped first. I couldn't just stand there and watch this injustice happen. So I proceed to tell him he's incredibly rude. He makes some comments back. And I ask him, "How would Bono feel about how you are acting right now? Would he approve?" This little rude Asian man was put in his place. Booyakasha! He was put in his place.

9 Lives? I have 99 and used 90 of them.

2005-04-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

I went hiking today on my lunch break. It was beautiful. I was telling David M. about all the stupid things I did in high school e.g.: get stoned in the bus circle, get stoned behind the teacher parking, leave campus for lunch (we had closed campus) and come back blazed, ate acid at school. Lying to cops while getting out of a vehicle that we had just clam-baked in. "No officer, I wasn't smoking marijuana. What's that? I have weed in my teeth? And resin on my fingers?" Eating acid then driving and such. Stupid shit, bunches and bunches of it.

One night in my Sophomore year my friend Samantha spent the night at my house. We had been over at Jennifer and Amy's and I had a curfew of 11:30. We were at my house for half an hour or so and decided that we didn't want our Mickey's 40 to go bad and the solution to that was sneak out and go back to Jennifer and Amy's. Out the window we go, *crunch* *crunch* *crunch* the rocks beneath our feet sounded like thunder in our ears. Hope my parents don't wake up. Looking back I'm sure you can't hear much of anything over my dad's snoring.

We are about 700' from my house in front of Big O Tires, poorly hiding the Mickey's in my jacket and we see a cop car drive by. Shit. The curfew in Sedona is 10:00 for kids under 16 and midnight for kids 16-18. The cop pulls into the parking lot right after I toss the 40 under this tiny bush that was 3 and a half feet tall with 6-8" between the ground and where the bush starts. The cop gets out of the car, shines his flashlight in our eyes. The usual go-around ensues.

Cop: Do you know what time it is?

Us: No.

Cop: It's 12:05. It's past curfew. How old are you girls?

Me: 16.

Samantha: I'll be 16 in a month.

We hear this crunching of dirt and gravel over by the said tree. The cop turns his upper body keeping his arm at that same 90-degree angle and shines his light on the beer that rolled out from under the tiny bush.

Cop: Is that yours?

Us: No.

Cop: Don't lie to me. I saw you put it there.

Me: No you didn't because it's not ours. (I know he's a lying asshole. He was still turning around when I was hiding our beer.)

Cop: I know it's yours.

Me: Not saying anything but thinking the only way he's gonna be able to find out is if he fingerprint it, which isn't gonna happen.

Cop: What's your name?

Samantha: Samantha Th......

Me: Annalisa B......

Cop: As in Amber B......? As in Bud B.....'s daughter? As in 120 Deer Trail Drive? As in 204-2739?

Me: (shit, shit, shit) Yes.

Cop: Well I know your sister REAL well. And your dad too I might add. You're not far from home, Annalisa, you may want to turn around and go back there. Unless you want me to give you a ride.

Me: This curfew is bullshit.

Cop: Well, I can call your dad if you want.

Samantha: No, no, Officer, sir, we are on our way.

La muerte ha robado el cuerpo de vida, su alma

2005-04-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have never traveled along 179 I am going to give you an idea of what it looks like. It is a two-lane road with traffic traveling in each direction. There are a lot of little dirt pull offs to go hiking or whatever. On both sides of the road are dirt and trees, sometimes 5-foot drops and no rail guards. It's a very curvy road with a posted speed limit of 40mph. The road winds in out of the Red Rock formations, up and down hills. If you are not paying attention because you are drunk or looking at the formations you could very easily continue on a straight path when the road curves off to the left or right.

On my way to work this morning I saw DPS car pulled off on one of the dirt pull offs with his lights flashing. As I drove by I noticed no one was in the car. We were approaching one of the many curves I was talking about and noticed a very large squared tapped off with the yellow Caution tape. The tape was hung on tree limbs, roadside reflectors and laid on the ground. Through the trees you could see what appeared to be a car or a small truck standing on what would have been it grill, all smashed up, like God had smashed the car with his fist as we would a soda or beer can. Next to the vehicle was two dead bodies covered in white sheets.

Seeing things like that always upset me. I go through the same emotions every time. Curiousness of what happened, were they drunk? Then sick shock for those people and praying that they went quickly and painlessly, knowing full well that my pray is useless because it's already been done, it's more of a prayer to comfort myself. I always wonder what their last thoughts were as they flew off the road and their vehicle tumbled over. How long did it take their conscious mind to grasp what was happening? Back to sick shock and sadness for those human bodies, for they are empty now, their family and friends. I say a quick prayer for everyone who will be affected by this death. Then I wonder if it's Josh, and that always scares me, always makes me cry. How will I find out if it's Josh? Will anyone come tell me? Will anyone think of telling me? I have to make myself stop thinking about it. I will make myself sick if I think about that being Josh's body lying under the white blanket, gone.

Tiimmmeee is on my side, yes it is.

2005-04-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Amber brought Margarita's to the Cottonwood office so we could all start our weekend off at 3:30 at the office. I do not like Tequila. I don't remember why. I've often tried to recall that particular memory from storage but can never find it. All I remember is Tequila shots, salt and lime; the rest, which isn't much, is fuzzy, I remember cold tile on my feet and someone else, I think it was a male, but cannot confirm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rian and I have been friends since High School. Rian was very picky and wouldn't befriend most of the people who tried talking to him. I found out that he was into smoking pot and Rian decided that I was good enough to be called "friend". We were best friends for a few years and he decided he was going to move to Las Vegas. His family had been encouraging us to get together and now that he was leaving I wondered "What If..." We got together 2 weeks before he left, it last two weeks after he left. I got a letter in the mail one day full of love, talks of marriage and always feeling this way; I didn't feel the same. For a while after we broke up I was the one making the effort for the friendship. It was only two weeks, why let that ruin everything? He never made an effort, never called or wrote, but I knew he cared. One day, sick of the one-way friendship, I told him that if he wanted to continue the friendship he was going to have to call me and make an effort, I was done. He started calling and I visited him a few times in Vegas and he here.

He was gone for 4 years and recently moved back. We have hung out a few times, but our friendship is now on his terms. Rian could never make a decision; it was always up to everyone else. I remember being hungry and making Rian chose where we ate, it took him literally 2 hours to pick a place. TWO HOURS! Las Vegas cured Rian of his indecision. It is now up to him whether or not we hang out, when and where. It was always me who was in control of the friendship. It's strange and hard for me to sit back and wait for Rian to be my friend, to want to be my friend. He's flaky now, which I hate, hate. He knows what he wants and doesn't want, and I'm not sure where I fall. I guess only time will tell.

Gold's Gym?

2005-04-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have decided to start a new business but I am having trouble coming up with the right name for it.

The idea started with Amber and I in the car. In the past I had suggest that Amber try squats, but as she works out at home she does Calisthenics. She told me that Lunges work just as well as Squats. She does them in the morning before she gets into the shower, naked. The proverbial light went off. *ding* I am going to start a nekkid gym. Bring your dimpled, wrinkled, and stretch marked. Men who's balls hang lower than your dick, you are welcome too. Your penis too small? You are accepted as you are. Beautiful people of the world, come! Enjoy the lastest craze in weight-loss. No homo's please as I do not want any wimmen checkin' out my well manicured bush, thank you very much.

There will be Nekkid Kick Boxing and Nekkid Yoga. Before you come to Nekkid Yoga you must free yourself of all liquids, solids and excess air; no farting. No queefing for that matter. Everyone will have their own personal sound proofed bathrooms decorated to your liking. The doors will swing out from the inside, there will motion sensors on the toilets and urinals, on the water faucets. There will be paper towels instead of the air dryers. No one else will be able to use your personal bathroom. Their will also be showers in each bathroom, we want clean nekkid people.

Some of our featured exercises will be:
Lunges
Squats
Lying Leg Curls
Stiff Legged Deadlifts
Dumbbell Rows
Assisted Push-Ups
Leg Raises
Hello Dolly's
Jumping Jacks
Cherry Pickers
Dumbbell Press
Donkey Calf Raise

If you can think of an exercise that should be included on this list, please feel free to make suggestions. And whom ever comes up with the name for this gym will get 6 months free membership.

Cravings

2005-04-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was driving home last night after working out and I had the dire craving for something greasy; taquitos with sour cream. There isn't a grocery store in the town where I live. The closest grocery store is about 12 miles away, up the freeway, down the road, and through traffic. I was fast approaching my exit, taquitos sounded so good but I've lost 24 pounds since January, did I really want to eat junk food? Sabotage my good feelings of weight-loss? Is the half an hour drive worth it? I went home and made chicken, red potatoes, and brussel sprouts instead.

Ch-Ch-Changes

2005-04-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Yea! I just got an email from K, Tatum's mom. It was very sweet. It said:

Hey - I had fun too! I REALLY feel good about our relationship now and where we are with everything, this is what I imagined it could be and it makes me happy (thank you!) - I hope you feel comfortable also, but please talk to me if not. Thanks for the pictures, Sedona is so incredible. Maybe some Sat you and me and Tatum could go hiking sometime. I've been wanting to but just haven't gotten anything planned. I'm sure we could find something fairly easy for Tatum (remember, she's TOUGH) or we could always head to a playground somewhere. Let me know what you think. I tried to download the photos from my camera, but it wouldn't because the batteries are dead. So as soon as I get to the store I'll send some photos your way. Tatum is playing the drums right now, I really hope she will have an interest in music of some sort when she gets bigger. We will certainly encourage it with her background! See you later, K.....

Now, I know that that may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me it is. Our relationship started out good and went steadily downhill from there. There were a lot of hurt feelings, dis-trust, and anger on both sides. We went through a legal battle over the circumstances of our relationship and what rights I had not as her mother who makes decisions in her raising, but her biological mother who gave up parental rights. I paid for all my legal services and they didn't pay for their legal services. A while back I was going to sue them for reimbursement of my legal expenses which was around $7,000+, but our relationship was progressing in such a manner that I didn't want to take us back to where we were.

A lot of prayer, forgiveness and foraging ahead have gotten us to where we are now. The most important thing for me was Tatum; I didn't want to have an angry relationship with her parents because it would affect her. I wanted a happy environment for Tatum to grow up in, and that's what she has. A lot of people ask me if the situation is weird, and looking in from the outside I can see how it would be to you, but to me it's not. It's natural, it's right, it's good, it's happy, and Tatum makes it all worthwhile. She's in a good home with parents that dote on her. They take the time to teach her everything. I am so happy with Tatum and where she is in her development and her behavior that I am going to call K when I have kids. This whole situation is a blessing to me.

Smooth and Easy

2005-04-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Amber lost out. She waited too long. I was checking me email this morning and saw that U2 added two concert dates in Las Vegas. I called Amber on her cell phone, no answer. I nudged her on chat, twice. I tried talking to her on chat, no response. So what did I do? I called my girlfriend Christy in California, she's excited to go because she's never seen U2 in concert.

I know that you are supposed to respect your elders, but how do you respect someone you don't respect? And once one has made the decision to not respect a person, how does that un-respectable person get into the "Deserves To Be Respected" list?

After my work-out yesterday I walked up to the front desk to exchange my locker key for my membership card and a lady was standing there. One of those lady's who is in her 50's but is trying to look 30, and she was doing a good job of it too. She was drinking something in a to-go hot-cup. She turns to me, looks me over and asks me if I have ever had Easy Flow, Easy Movement, Easy something-or-other. I ask her if she got it at the resort. She tells me no, her friend made it for her. I have never heard of it and I ask what it is, is it like Chai Tea or something? No, it's a tea laxative. Now, why, why would she think that I took laxatives? She either A)Can she sense the impacted fecal matter on my colon and large intestine, B) Was trying to imply that I need to take laxatives to help me loose weight (that's why I'm sweating my fat-ass on the treadmill) or C) Thinks I look like someone who takes laxatives. She drinks it everyday, but at night she so can run to the bathroom at a moments notice. This lady was cute, trendy in her jean jacket, done-up hair and jewelry, it was the last thing that I expected to come out of her mouth. Who tells someone about their bowel movements? Who? Why do you feel the need to let me in on that area of your life? Somethings you just keep to yourself?

Don't touch me there; it still sore from Saturday.

2005-04-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have learned to never tell Peg she's being quiet because then her mouth opens up like a butthole and starts spewing shit all over the place. It's all quite foul.

Amber and I went hiking on Saturday. I got sun burnt; man alive are my shoulders red! When I get hungry my body shuts down. It didn't used to; it's just recently started since I started working out. I used to get really, really grumpy if I was hungry. Now my body just wants to stop, quit, no more. So there we are at the end of the trail, and now it's time to turn around and hike the 2 miles back to the car when my body runs out of steam. So here I am bitching and moaning about how tired I now am and that my body is done with the hike. We were about a mile from this place called Enchantment, which is a really high-end resort, and Enchantment is about 6 miles from where we parked. Amber's idea was to go to Enchantment, get a massage and eat a tuna sandwich with an iced tea and fresh mint sprig, then ask someone to give us a ride back to the car, which they would do with smiles on their faces. I reminded her this was reality and not Amberland. So we hiked back to the car.

This trail we were on was a Mountain Biking/ Hiking Trail. Rules of the trail are that Hikers yield to Bikers, and they usually bike in a herd of 2 or more. We had to "pull" off the side of the trail for several bikers. Amber came up with this brilliant plan to hide in the bushes, jump some bikers and hijack their mode of transportation. I just rolled my eyes, Yes! What a great idea Amber! So we hike a little further and here comes a single biker and Amber says to me, "Let's take his bike!" And me being who I am, which is me (dude. someone either just farted or pooped in the office. wtf?!?!) thinks logically, how would that work out if we actually did take his bike? There is only one bike and two of us. There are a lot of up-hills on the way back, would take more energy to go up than just walking. I laughed. Amber lives happily in Amberland, while I live logically in reality. I asked her, "Well, we both couldn't fit on one bike. Where would I sit?" (See how well she has me trained? She gets the bike and what do I get? Nothing.) "On the handle bars of course." Me being the very visual person I am pictured Amber pumping furiously on the bike with me sitting on the handlebars, going up and down and up and down this little red rock hills back to the car. Maybe that's not funny to you, but it is to me.

What is that area of skin called between your upper lip and nostrils? That little area on my face is all red and chapped. It looks bad. I'm not going to tell you how it got that way because it's embarrassing. When people ask me what happened I'm going to say this: Have you ever made out with someone so much that your mouth gets all red and chapped? Yea? Well, me too, but that's not what happened.

ewww

2005-03-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

I have never looked so forward to doing laundry. I am excited about it! I am poor and I do my laundry at the Laundro-Mat. I am seriously wearing my last clean pair of underwear. So today is laundry day. My outfit looks ridiculous. Well not really.

I do not understand how people can poop at work. Or at someone else's house while visiting for a few hours. It's just so gross to me. I am sitting here smelling (Dude. Tell Peg to shut the f*ck up. Please. She got macadamia nut cookies. Who the f*ck cares? Not me.) a sweet air freshener hanging in the air trying to cling to the poop smell. It stinks, it's gagging me. I even have a hardtime peeing if I think someone can hear me. Let alone know that someone is going to be able to smell. Please. Spare me from your smelly butt. Go home and do your business. We all know you live within 15 minutes of here. Someone just walked into the office and said it smells good in here. ?!?!?! Does her nose not work?

There is nothing worse than going into a public bathroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat. I know that other people are using this toilet, but I try not to think about it. It's gross, I feel so dirty just thinking about it. I was my hands everytime I use the restroom. A lot of people don't. I feel dirty if I don't wash my hands after I pee. And the fact that so many people don't wash their hands, then they touch the lightswitch and the door and God knows whatelse. I hang onto my papertowel and turn the light off and open the door. I know there are poopy/pee germs everywhere because of the dirty people who don't wash their hands, but my mind is put at ease after I've used a papertowel to open the door. I think I am going to go wash my hands.

What is the big deal about Fiji water?

2005-03-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

There is a first time for everything. I had a first on Sunday. Sunday was Easter as you all know, I wore a shirt I bought a few weeks ago. It was the first time in my life since I've had breasts that I didn't fill out a shirt or have them pouring out of the shirt. FIRST TIME EVER. I was very shocked, and a little sad.

I got sick of listening to all the same songs on the radio over and over and over again so I grabbed a cd that I had burned and popped it in. It was the Rolling Stones. They kick ass. I had always heard their songs on the radio and such but I had never really sat down and listened to them. They have so many different levels in their songs. I don't know how to explain it. Each time you listen, if you listen with different ears you hear something new everytime.

I went and hung out with my good friends Crow & Mindy. I have known them for a long time. Mindy is seriously the coolest, laid back, not quirky girl I know. She's so accepting of everyone. She incredibly smart, she impresses me all the time. She fun and funny. She tough though, she's nice, but don't mistake it for weak cause she'll beat the shit outta you if do mistake the two.

Crow is so offensive, he really is. But I love him. When I first met Crow I was 14 or 15, he's younger than I am. It was at the time when boys were starting to get leg hair and such. I remember Crow's leg hair was like a jungle, a crazy jungle. There was so much of it. It used to bother me, not sure why, it just seemed so unnatural. We used to hang out at my house often. I would grab scissors or a lighter or whatever and commando style, slither up behind the couch and all cat-like and with a smoothness that only I have I would leap over the couch and proceed to cut or burn a bunny, or a swirly thing or something into his leg hair. I was a sculptor of Crow's leg hair. Some crazy shit has happened with Crow and I, all good memories. He's hilarious. We always have good times.

Crow told me about this website: http://www.badtastebears.com
Most of the stuff is a little wrong, but most of it is very inapproiate. I'm sure there's something here for everyone.

Freedom and Boys

2005-03-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

I like boys. I was just reading Greg's comment on my blog and I was cracking up and two very cute boys walked in. They started laughing too. Amber wants to know what the difference between laughing with me and laughing at me.

Anyway, I am killing time before I am free for the week-end. 5 minutes and counting. Now that I have lost 20 pounds I am taking notice of boys and they of me. It's nice. I never took the time to notice them before because I was fat and boys don't like fat girls. I don't want to harass them like poor Pete gets it all the time. I wasn't dillusional when it came to my attractiveness though people would tell me, "But your pretty." When you are fat and people tell you you have a good personality, it's just their way of saying, "Well, at least you have something going for you." Okay. Leaving. Enjoy your week-end all.

Good morning, good morning, good morninngggg! It's time to rise and shine.

2005-03-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

My cat cut my lip this morning with his back claw. It hurts, badly, but now that my lips are swollen, red and sensitive I don't have to wear lipstick or lipgloss. He was using my face as a launching pad to jump from my bed to this little table thing I have next to my bed.

There is a morning ritual that starts at 6:00 every morning. My cat jumps on my bed and from there jumps on this little table thing I have next to my bed where he proceeds to knock down all of my books, my glasses, drinks the water out of my glass and knocks over a coffee cup I have that contains lotion, a highlighter, 2 tubes of strawberry chapstick, buttons, and some other stuff that I don't remember. Anyway, my cat will knock everything off the table thing, which makes a lot of noise that wakes up my dog who then jumps off the bed. She grabs what she can and darts out of the room. Then I have to get up and chase her down because dammit she's not supposed to chew on everything! She's little and fast, so by the 5th time she runs through my legs I have caught onto to her little game. She is caught and my reward is a partially chewed, wet tube of chapstick, or highlighter, or button or whatever. She then prances off and pees on the carpet. She KNOWS not do to that, which really pisses me off because instead of sleeping for another hour I am chasing dogs, cleaning up piss and putting all my books and shit back. You'd think that I would learn to move my stuff, but dammit, it belongs there. The cat just wants to be fed, and he's learned the way to best wake me up. Yowling at the top of his lungs doesn't work because I lock him out of my room.

Just a little side note: When I was pregnant I used to put speakers on my stomach and blast Mozart. I saw Tool in concert when I was pregnant, as well as Cypress Hill, POD, System of A Down, Unwritten Law and Rob Zombie.

New Hotness, Old & Busted

2005-03-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I am looking good today, damn good. I was pumping gas this morning and was blatantly checked out by two guys. The Pizza Guy told me I was looking "Scrumptious" or delicious or something about looking good enough to eat. Then he left the pizza warming bag at the office so I took it back to the pizza place. He wanted to know how I was going to keep the men off me this summer. I don't know beat them off with a stick? The men in the office are commenting on how good I look, so are the women. Makes me feel good. I haven't been noticed like this in years.

I went to the bank today, I tried to go between 11-12 so I wouldn't have to see Joe, but I didn't make it. He was there, the only one there, so I had to have him as my teller. Would it have been obvious if I left and came back at a later time? He looked cheesy. He's been tanning so he's all orange and red. His hair has been dyed, so instead of blonde it's now a browny-green color. He looked, well, old and busted. I don't miss him, I do feel panges of guilt for not being a better friend, but they don't last long.

Thanks Joe for shaming me into working out. Thank you Joe for helping me realize what an awesome person I am through having to defend myself against your rude and shallow comments.

Does love light up your Christmas tree?

2005-03-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am doing a whole lot of nothing for Easter. I'm really butt-hurt about it. Amber isn't doing anything, my mom & dad are going to be in Kingman, and they probably aren't doing anything up there. Easter is about family and eating a homemade meal together. Damn them all! Ruining my expectations.

I've lost 20 pounds since I started working out in January. I've got more to lose, but I can do it!

I was thinking about becoming a closet U2 fan. I know that U2 are not cool anymore, where they ever? I know that Bono does some pretty embarrassing things, like trying to sing "La Bamba". I know way too much about them. For example I know what the reasoning behind skipping 9 numbers at the beginning of Vertigo is. I can name, in order, every album U2 has put out, including the ones that aren't under the name U2, like the Passengers and the soundtrack to "The Million Dollar Hotel". I owned over 35 U2 cds at one time. I have enough U2 paraphernalia to fill up a room in my house. I can tell a U2 song after only a few beats. I started listening to U2 when I was 11, it took me a few years to discover that there were other bands that played music.

But the fact remains that I love Bono, well as much as you can love someone you have never met. I have a Bono keychain that I've had for years. The picture is circa 1984. While I was trying to buy tickets for the U2 concert this last time I almost boycotted U2 for lack of good seats and the price of tickets. Watching U2's induction into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall Of Fame gave me a renewed sense of...... admiration for Bono. God's love shines so brightly through him. You can see God's presence surrounding Bono when he speaks and when he sings. His heart, his life is clay for God's hands to mold. Use me Lord! Is the message that Bono has in his voice and lyrics. I want to be like that, in relation to God's love shining through him. Everytime he sings, he's singing praises to God, worshipping him. Bono touches something inside of me that most things in this world don't reach. His intense passion, his unrelenting drive, his profound purpose is all deep seated in his relationship with God. I strive to have all those things for myself, to have peace, to have excitement, to look forward to death so that I can meet my Maker. To come face to face with the other end of this powerful relationship, but I am not there. I have something to work for.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

2005-03-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I had one blog idea, but then I read Amber's blog. So then I had another blog idea, but my mind wandered somewhere else. So now I have no blog idea.

I was going to tell you about the certain people who are so stupid that when they make a comment to you, you don't respond for fear of sounding like and ass with an "okay." Here's an example: "You have spiderwebs." Peg tells me. "Okay." is my response, so instead of that I just don't say anything and hope that she thinks that maybe I didn't hear her. Both options aren't very good, but what do you do? If you think about it it's really their fault. If they weren't so annoying or ask you the same questions over and over again or say pointless things, you would actually want to respond and carry on a coversation. I feel bad that I have so little patience and that once I'm done with you, it's done.

I'm also not a very good friend. I can only put up with so much. Everyone has their quirks, and I have to make the decision that I like you in spite of your quirks. My decision is usually that I would rather not have you as a friend because you annoy me. If you are one that I make the choice with, I am loyal to the very end. I have a few friends that I chose to love despite..... I am not happy with my lack of acceptance of others.

I was going to tell you that the first album I ever bought with my own money was Pearl Jam, Ten. I was going to tell you that I remember the first time my Dad made me say "Please" when asking for something. I was going to tell you that the first cd I ever had my sister bought me. I was going to tell you that the first time I saw U2 before I liked them, I hated them.

But I'm not in the mood to tell you any of that. So I don't know what to tell you.

How About Never? Is Never Good For You?

2005-03-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am sick today, so if my blog isn't as attention grabbing, graphic, or exciting as usual that is my excuse.

I was at Amanda's house on Monday night to drop off her paycheck. (I've decided the reason why Amanda likes me is because I bring her money every two weeks.) I was sitting in the living room with Flint & JC. They were as usual talking trash and I said something along the lines of "Screw both of you!" The moment I said it I saw the folly of my ways. They went off... so I got up a left the room. I went into the dining room which was about 20 feet from where I was just sitting and I can hear them talking. I hear JC yell, "It's just a piece of ass! You're leaving anyway!" to Flint. I wasn't sure who they were speaking of, but of course they were talking about me. Who else could they possibly be talking about? I'm so irresistible and the topic of everyone's conversations at all times.

I started to think about it. I am not just a piece of ass. I am a beautiful woman with an awesome personality and I have a lot going for me. I do not do one night stands, I never have and I never will. I have to wake up in the morning and respect myself. And I expect respect from the person I just slept with and where's the respect in, "It was fun. What's your name again?"? I was insulted that someone could even think of me as just a piece of ass. I deserve a little more credit than that, I am a lot more than just a piece of ass. I am not a drive-thru.. Yeah, can I get a piece of ass with a blow job and a side of heavy petting? To go? Sex is about love and respect. And there is neither in a one night stand.

The End

2005-03-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

Driving up I-10 East from Tucson to Phoenix, watching the passing the desert landscape at 85. Sitting in the back seat of a 2 door Honda Civic, with a girl who's name I don't recall at the moment driving and a guy sitting in the front passenger seat. Conversations being held, good times roll down the road with us. Laughter, smiles and memories in the making.

In the midst of a good story we hear a loud pop or a thud, we can't distinguish which. Our eyes scan the Saguaro’s and the mesquite brush looking for what interrupted our laughter. Chandler- 23 miles the green sign informs us, but that's not the answer we were searching for. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary on Earth other than the lack of other cars or human life at all; our eyes turn to skyward. And there it is. A large black orb with Kelly green, orange, fire engine red, electric blue, and lemon yellow hangs in the sky. It has a heavy, thick look to it as though someone left a box of crayons in the hot summer sun then gave it a good stir before letting it cool down. Minds working together we shift through reasoning. I don't remember who had the correct answer, but there it was, in all it's heaviness, sitting in the car with us, an Atomic Bomb had gone off over Phoenix.

A heated conversation ensued, Do we keep going? Do we turn around, try to outrun the blast and deal with the after shocks and radiation? Is this part of our purpose from God, to help re-build the United States after this new war? We all new it was Armageddon, we knew what to expect, this was taught in Sunday School. This was the tribulation. The three of us agreed to keep going in the direction we were headed in, but gun it so we don't miss out on explosion. Why we thought we were going to miss on being killed I'm not sure.

Flying down the interstate at 110, 15, 20, with shocked eyes and a peaceful heart we watch a large heat wave blasting it's way through Palm Trees and exploding buildings, racing to get to us. Finally we meet, the Honda is lifted off the ground as though we are flying reminding me of when the house is lifted up in The Wizard Of Oz. Sitting in the back seat the same feelings swallow me that run through my body forcing my feet to leave the ledge when cliff jumping in Oak Creek Canyon. There a noiseless blast of bright, searing light, the nothingness. Void of color and sound, just an endless blackness.

*************************************************************************************

This was the first dream I've ever had in which I died. My dreams have always been very vivid. I can taste, touch, smell, and see details, colors, hands and feet in my dreams. Seeing colors, hands and feet in dreams says something about you, what I'm not exactly sure, but I remember reading it somewhere. I've had dreams where I wake up crying, or feeling such a deep dispare that I've fallen apart in the shower. Dreams have made me feel more appreciative of people, loved them more, cherished them more. They usually mirror real life. I've had one dream where I flew. I've had several where other people have died. Josh has died two or three times. My dad was shot outside of Safeway protecting me because I was having an asthma attack and my big brother Philip was killed by lava in the middle of a park in Dallas because of cookies. My mom protected my little brother and I from the HoneyCombs monster/animal creature thing because it was trying to break into the house and kill us.

It was a dream and not a nightmare; though I knew I was going to die I wasn't afraid. I knew I was going to Heaven, and what is there to be afraid of in Heaven?

why you never question a drunk................

2005-03-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

2005-03-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

I remember the exact moment I chose to love Josh and the exact moment I was done with Joe. Isn't it strange how some moments in your life stick out, like God is shining a flood light on those experiences? I never chose to love Joe and I haven't made the conscience decision to be done with Josh, though it was a conscious decision to love him.

Winter here is a low of 40* and usually sunny, regardless, it's still winter. I don't take many breaks while at work in the winter; just sit in my chair for hours on end. But Spring is here! So I've been busy planning my life. Here is my itinerary for all of you.

March 11th-13th~ White Mountains in Northeast Arizona with Amanda, Hubby, Baby & Flint
April 15th~ U2 concert in Glendale
April 24th-26th~ Las Vegas with Amber
August~ IRELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with Virginia

When I saw Josh he told me he was going to Ireland in the near future, I told him I hated him. Ireland is my dream vacation; I've wanted to go to Ireland for 12 years or so. I decided that when I get married if I haven't been to Ireland I was going to go for my honeymoon. But yesterday Virginia told me she was going to Ireland in August. I told her I was jealous. She invited me. So that's that. Tax refund is not going to pay bills off but to buy a ticket to Ireland. Can I die now? Well, at least AFTER I go to Ireland. God loves me. yea!

Kicking Puppies When They're Down

2005-03-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

I figured since Jake was talking about being mean to animals I would stick with the theme. I've been trying to sever ties with Joe. Breaking-up with my pseudo-boyfriend, it sounds so funny. Joe can't let go, but what did I expect? He's currently giving CPR to a dead relationship; talk about halitosis!

I went on my Joe-Break yesterday. We went out for brunch, which was tedious. My food tasted like, well a dead relationship.

Joe: When are we gonna hang out?

Me: Well, I'm busy this week. Friday and Saturday I have plans and Sunday after church I am going out to lunch with some people. So that brings us back to next Monday. And week nights aren't good for me because I work out at the Ridge and I don't want to drive to Cottonwood and then home, so I guess that brings us to next week-end. What do you have in mind?

Joe: Next week-end? I'm going down to Phoenix.

Me: (secretly relieved) Oh, and the week after that is Easter. So call me in April and I will see what I can do.

Joe: I liked you better when you were insecure, in your shell, before you had your friends. I want the old Annalisa back. Did you cut your hair?

Me: No, I didn't cut my hair. Besides, what difference does it make if I did cut my hair?

I get out of the truck with no "date" planned. I've stopped calling him and he notices an attitude I have when I am with him, I don't commit to hanging out with him. He tells me that our "relationship" isn't the same, there's no heart there. He doesn't get it, and I don't have the heart to kick him when he's down. I told him last night that I'm done. No more. I can't deal with him and his whining and his telling me the same thing 500 times, maybe I should hook him and Peg up?

LotsaFun: Peg is driving me crazy.

MudBan: Short drive, eh?

LotsaFun: Nah, she just drives really fast.

Beware! Criminal

2005-03-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sneaking peeks while trying to look inconspicuous, I reach into the back of the filing cabinet and remove my box of Girl Scout Cookies. Sitting at my desk I open the box and pull the tray containing the cookies out. I took inventory on Friday after lunch and I had shared all but 5 of the cookies. But today there are only 3!! I mentioned to Peg that someone ate my Girl Scout Cookies. She said, "Oh, I got the munchies on Friday and I took one. I saw where you put them and helped myself. I only took one, if I had taken two I would have told you. I forgot that I even took one until you just mentioned it." Wha?!?!?! I mean... COME ON NOW!!!!! You ate my cookies, and you forgot to tell me. You talk ALL the time. Does your husband pop a quarter into you before you leave for work? And of all the non-important stuff you tell me about, you convenietly forgot to tell me you ate my cookies. I mean who eats someone else's Girl Scout Cookies? And then to go as far as to search through my drawers! Come on now.

List With Us & Get Ready To Get Screwed!

2005-03-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

My office is stuck in 1980-something. We have Gary who currently sports a mullet, then we have David who is jammin' to "Wanted" by BonJovi. What is going on here? Talk about a Scooby Doo Moment!

We have a new lady working. She took the place of the Jackie. I pissed Jackie off so bad she quit, but that's another story. Jackie had hormone problems, she would have a fan running in the middle of the winter. It would be snowing outside and she would be in a tank top with the fan running. Peg was sick, lost like 100 pounds or something. You'd think that after someone had told you the same story once everyday you'd retain some of the information. Peg has a heater running on her all the time. I can picture it now, it's 100* outside and Peg is bundled up in a scarf and jacket with her heater running. Why can't I get someone with a normal body temperature to sit in front of me?

Peg is in her seventies, and it shows. She talks incessantly. In fact she's talking right now. I'm having a hard time concentrating on not doing my work. She keeps telling me about her grandkids and her husband and something about Prescott this week-end and pants. She will be in mid-sentence suddenly, whiplash of the brain! She goes off about something else that doesn't have anything to do with anything. On her first day here she got all tear-eyed about her husband because he sweats or something. Oh, and she doesn't eat dinner because of a reason I didn't care to remember. I want to use Jake's comment, "Do you annoy yourself?" but I don't want to be mean, and she's not fat. So I will continue to smile, nod and ignore.

No Thanks I Use Toilet paper!

2005-03-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

"You guys are mother bloggers!" Jeremy, Amber's husband, says to Amber and me. It is Sunday afternoon, quick stop at Amber's house so I can blog.

I hung out at Amanda's house last night. She lives with her husband, daughter, brother JC and roommate Flint. We bbq'd last night. I was specifically invited to come by JC and Flint because they "like me and think I'm fun." That's what they said. I'm fun! Anyway, they all like to drink, a lot. I'm not a drinker, my vise was always a green plant. When I get trashed I become a slutty girl who doesn't make good decisions. I hate girls like that, so therefore I don't drink so I can continue to respect myself. How many of you guys really, actually respect the drunk slutty girls? That's what I thought. You don't.

A conversation started up about a man who is suing Tawny Peaks, a stripper who wears 69HH bra because she gave him a lap dance and he got whiplash. Flint asks me, "Annalisa, what is a 69HH?" I had been drinking, not to get drunk but to have fun, so I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. 69HH? My mind went to so many different places in about a half of a second, "I don't know." was the best answer I could come up with. Suddenly all the boys want to know what size of bra I wear.

Flint: What size of bra do you wear?
Me: (turning red) I'm not telling you.
JC: Why not? Just pop one out for us to see. I bet you wear a 40DD.
Me: Not gonna happen.
Nic: If you show us your boobs I will sword fight JC. I haven't gotten laid in a week. I have to blow my own nose! (Nic then proceeds to pull his pants down.....)
Me: Stop asking! I'm not going to tell you.
JC: I can tell your age by grabbing you boobs.
Me: I'm 24. Problem solved.
Nic: Can I tune them in like a radio? (Making the appropriate motions to go along with said statement)
Flint: Why don't you lighten up? (Which I later figured out means, Show us your boobs.)
Me: I wear a 26A.
A silence falls over the house. The boys are standing in the kitchen, heads cocked a little to the left, hampsters running at full throttle. Then, DING! They all come to the same conclusion at the same time.
Flint: Bullshit!
Nic: Liar!
JC: You are so fulla shit. I still say you are a 40DD.

I don't really remember how the conversation actually ended, but I didn't tell them what size I actually wear. Better to let your mind wander right? Leave it to the imagination.

The title of the blog came from when I was little. We, meaning Amber, Nathan and I, used to stick our tongues out at each other, the comeback was, "No thanks, I use toilet paper." This went on for a long time until we said it in front of Mom. She flipped out. "You DO NOT say that." I remember being confused as to what she was upset about, but she was peeved, so it was never said again. When I was 18 or so I was driving down and that come back came into my mind and I finally understood why Mom was upset. Took 10 or 11 years but I got it now.

tickled pink

2005-03-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

Driving home last night I felt totally content. I felt like a warm bath. Sitting in a large tub with bubbles and candles lit creating a peaceful, inviting (anyone wanna come?) atmosphere. Relaxing, not having anything to worry about. Knowing that my life is going well and there is a new adventure just around the corner. Life without Josh is good. Life without Joe is good. Life with friends and having people asking to hang out with me feels good. Being single is WONDERFUL. God takes good care of me, I know that I don't have anything to worry about. Content.

Splinters on my tongue

2005-03-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

I had dinner with Josh last night. We went to a Japanese restaurant in Uptown Sedona. I've never had Japanese food before. I was totally out of my element. I got Miso Soup and no spoon, only the chopsticks. I'm asking Josh what the proper way to eat soup at a Japanese restaurant with no spoon. He tells me to eat the stuff out of the soup with my chopsticks. So I'm fishing around this little bowl stabbing at pieces of tofu as they float by and something green, seaweed maybe? Do they put that in soup? I'm too focused on trying to catch my food, but I'm sure Josh is sitting on the other side of the table enjoying my hungry misery. He finally tells me that you are supposed to drink the broth then eat the stuff at the bottom. Too late, I had eaten my chopsticks wishing for porkchops.

But seriously. I had dinner with Josh last night. I was scared, nervous, and anxious. I made a commitment to myself that I wasn't going to talk about Tatum or when we dated, if he wanted to talk about it, he could bring it up. Which he did not, so it was not talked about. He's changed a lot of things in his life, and I mine. I kept thinking, "Why couldn't you have been this person when we were dating?" We left the restaurant with hugs and it was nice seeing you.

I must admit that I love Josh, and Amber was right, as always. It's not the same kind of love that it used to be. Hanging out with Josh last night felt like it used to before we started dating, before I got pregnant, before everything went bad. It was comfortable, but at the same time a little scary. It has given me a renewed sense, of if it's meant to happen it will happen. It's sad that Josh and I will never be "just friends" again. There is too much past, things go too deep, nothing is on the surface. Even if we do become friends again with light heartedness and laughter, it's all behind the curtain.

Read It! It says "Population one and you can't come!"

2005-03-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting Joe Day. I think God brought Joe into my life so that I would have something to blog about. Joe came and picked up me for my daily Joe-Break that isn't so daily since a few weeks ago. He opens my door for me and starts whining about how he was on hold forever on a call he just hung-up with. So I asked him what he was on hold for. "Oh I'm ordering stuff for this week-end, but I can't tell you about that." He's going to Goodyear to see his ex and he's not allowed to tell me about he and his ex. After hearing someone bitch about something four thousand times it gets kinda old. So off we go. We go about 500 ft and I tell him to take me back to work. He backs up the whole 500'. Have a nice day.

So I get home at 9:00, and the phone is ringing. Joe always calls me that very second as I walk in the door, everytime. I don't know what it is. So after contemplating whether or not to answer the phone, I pick-up.

"I almost got fired today."

"Oh yeah? For what? " (being stupid I'm sure)

"I went online and downloaded 14 virus's into the banks computer. I'm on suspension with no pay."

"Huh." which means good job dumb ass, and it also means I can go into the bank and make a deposit without the fear of drama.

"So what was with that drama at lunch today?" He then proceeds to tell me his story of what happened at lunch today, none of which was even close to what actually happened. After his make- believe moment he goes on to tell me what a bitch I am. (Okay, I know I can be a bitch, I am even a little too proud of that fact. I'm sorry if I enjoy flexing my bitch muscle.) As I proceed to tell Joe that I am not going to put with his crap and that I don't need this, he's gets upset. Ohh! Ohh! Pick me! I need abuse tonight!

Amber! Mac asked me about Phil's nickname. After I explained it to him, he walked over to Phil's desk and said, "Hotdog, you have a call on line one." !??!?!?!?!?! He's not allowed to call Phil Hotdog! I stood up and peered around the filing cabinet and Phil gave me the "WTF?" look. Then we laughed. It was strange.

Ohh! I am so IT!

2005-03-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

Amber has given me some questions and this is how it works:This is a "Tag! You're It" kind of exercise except you have to volunteer to be tagged.

Now, here are the rules. I'll offer to interview the first 2 or 3 people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here following your comment. They will be different questions than the ones below.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So, here are my questions from Amber:

1. What is your favorite memory with a pet?
Boba is my favorite pet. I don't have a specific favorite memory of him, all of them. Him chasing him ball, pinecone, or bone in the yard. How he would jump SO HIGH to catch the ball in the air. How you told him to get his ball and he would come back with his bone, or a pinecone, or a rope and sometimes he would even bring his actual ball to you. How he would get SOOO EXCITED looking at the bird chain hanging from Mom & Dad's ceiling fan that he would chase his tail until he was worn out. I loved how he was so happy to see his mom and he didn't like anyone else. I LOVED how he sounded like such a toughy but he was a big wuss. How about the Christmas-Bo? J-Boba, JB, Jibby, J-Bo, J-Do, Boba-Doba. I like the fact that Josh and I counted ALL of our change and turned it in to the bank for cash money and we had $160, then we went to the pound to get him. I like the fact that Boba was supposed to be Josh's dog, but when I left I took him. When he rode in the bed of my truck for the first time and jumped out while I was going 20mph and literally scared the shit out of himself and all over his leg. I loved that dog. Boba is my favorite pet memory.

2. Who do you love to hate the most and why?
I don't hate anybody. okay, okay, okay you can stop laughing. Mac, my boss. He really is a good, kind, sweet man who is losing his memory and his eyesight. He's a good source of frustration on my part. Sometimes I feel as though some of the agents in the office and I sit around waiting to pounce on the next stupid thing he does, says, or thinks because it's never very far off. Mac has been good to me. Am I allowed to feel guilty in my enjoyment from abusing this poor, old man? Sheesh. Now I feel all bad about loving to hate Mac. Thanks Amber.

3. If you could name one person you have lost touch with that you would want to call up and invite you to dinner, who would that be?
Easy. Josh, the father of Tatum for all of you who don't know who Josh is. There would have to be contingencies though. One of two things would have to happen. 1. I would be totally and completely over Josh so we could be JUST friends and I would be okay with that and walk away feeling content. Or 2. We would happily ever after.

4. If you could force one person to give up all their money to go to a particular cause, who would it be and what would it be for?
Hell, I don't know. To take away all of someone's money I would have to dislike them. Some gold-toothed, foul mouthed rapper, I don't care which one. 50 cent has a lot of money doesn't he, even though he's not gold-toothed. The one with the most money. Those Crunk guys or whatever they call themselves, spending all their money on diamond crust goblets? *roll of the eyes* Gimme a break. I would want them to spend all their money on developing a program that would create ass camps in the slums and ghettos.

5. What do you think the silliest thing people in general do?
Read blogs.

I like Pete

2005-02-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

There will be no more comments on my blog about my blog-insecurities.

I got my U2 tickets in the mail yesterday! So very exciting! Amber and I got Floor Tickets for the April 14th concert at the Glendale Arena! I can't wait!

I am house sitting for a huge Real Estate mogul here in Sedona. I think his dogs hate me. They ran away, must have been Saturday morning. Last time I house sat for John the dogs, Harley and Sunny, broke into the house and TRASHED the place, chewed shoes, mounds of poop, pools of pee, trash everywhere. These are horse/dogs. Harley is a Great Dane and Sunny is a White German Shepard.

On Saturday night I went out bar hopping with my friend Amanda and her husband. Amanda has the second cutest baby ever, so on Saturday she had a baby free evening. At one of the trashy bars we stopped at I saw a guy a kinda, sorta know. (I guess if I kinda, sorta know him I don't really know him.) So this guy is smashed, and I say hi to him. After I've jogged his memory about where he knows me from he proceeds to say, "Ogh, yerrr the coohl giirrlll. The non-kristian gurllll, the honly koohll girlll there." So what? If you are a "Christian" girl you are automatically not cool? Is that how it works? Glad to know. I AM NOT COOL, not that I thought I was before.

Why do men tuck their shirts into their underwear?

*WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING*

This is a disclaimer to family. Make sure you want to read the rest of this blog before proceeding to do so. Sexual content may be present....

*WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING*

So I hung out with Joe for the first time in a week yesterday. We went to WalMart and I was talking to him about my ex, Josh, and not the Josh from the bar. I jumped on Joe to make a point to him, a figurative point not a literal point. So we leave WalMart and are walking to my truck and Joe punches my arm. Payback naturally has to be worse. So I gave him a purple-nurple. Joe takes that as a sign that he is now allowed to grab at my nipples. (There is a double standard here which he TOTALLY missed out on). So for the next hour or so he kept grabbing my boobs. I told him he better stop or I was going to grab his balls. He took that as a signal to start grabbing at closer intervals. So I grabbed his dick. He had to sit on the end of his bed for a few moment to recover from my magic hands.... There was no pain involved in the penis grabbing so all you men can relax. There was nothing sexual on part, it got the point across and my boobs have been hands free for hours now.

Love is when you know someone has an STD, but you still chose to be with them and love them and take the chance of getting what they have.

Explaining The Rules

2005-02-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

Okay. I don't write a lot because no one cares what I have to say, besides it usually about emotions and the crap I dealing with when it comes to Joe. Which todays blog is about, something relating to Joe.

I am going to explaining the rules of "If it's meant to happen, it will happen." or "If it's God's will for my life, it will be." when pertaining to love or a past relationship.

For this to be valid you must stop all communication with the ex. If you are forcing the issue by keeping communication lines open at all times which doesn't allow healing time or forgiving time or anytime at all. When is the other person going to have time to realize that they actually miss you?

Just because you and the ex are on good speaking terms doesn't mean it's meant to happen. Just because the ex says she loves you doesn't mean it's God's will. EVEN IF YOU MARRY YOUR EX, IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU. It just means that you forced something that isn't meant to happen. Now you are screwed, literally and figuratively, because you are now married to the person you chose, not the right one God had for you. Good job loser. You messed it all up.

That is all today. Enjoy!

Standing Back to Watch the Train Wreck

2005-02-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

I find it strange the people that God brings into ones life. I recently got over my ex, Josh. It was long and drawn out, considering the fact that I had our daughter 2 years ago, and I'm still not completely over it yet. Josh falls into the "One That Got Away" category, though I'm glad he got away.

Joe, my pseudo-boyfriend, is at the place I was not even a year ago with his ex, Rochelle. They have a hateful relationship but yet still want to drag each other through the mud. They must enjoy pain. I don't understand it. They say they love each other, but there's no respect, kindness, forgiveness there. What is love to them? Love is not spitefulness, pain, anger, or being hateful. When Josh and I broke-up our respect level and love for each other was high enough to NOT want to hurt each other. Let's go on our way, it was nice knowing you, be happy, good-bye.

Seeing how Joe and Rochelle interact gives me an appreciation for the end of Josh & I. It was hard but it wasn't bad. Even in the good-byes it was respectful, caring and considerate. The world's version of love is not real love. No wonder marriages don't work out, they are Joe & Rochelle relationships. I don't want to be a Rochelle or a Joe in my next relationship. I don't even want to date Joe for fear that I will get stuck in a relationship like his past one. I've had time to deal with my issues with Josh. Joe's issues are still a very big part of who he is. I see it in our friendship.

My sister always asks how can I stand Joe? I tell her it has to be God.... lol (it HAS to be God)

Relax, don't do it when you wanna go to it....

2005-02-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

7:44pm

*ring**ring**ring*

"Hello?"

"Is Grumpy there?"

"No she's not."

"May I please speak with Grumpy?"

"She's not here right now. I left her at the gym."

"Oh, did you leave her on the treadmill? Stay here BITCH!"

"Yep, that's what happened."

Life is good again. I found my taxes and filed them today, the IRS owes me $860.00. I ordered a new debit card. I got my clothes back that I left at the Laundry-Mat last week. The Financial Aid paperwork was at the post office when I checked my mail last night. I got a call from Andrea at APS who was very nice and helpful. The owner of the place I rent is having an electrician come to the house to make sure there everything is okay there with the electricity. I had an awesome work-out last night, his name was Gym. Received new pictures of Tatum today by way of email. I'm going to go see her tomorrow night. Weight lifting tonight on Joe's Bow-Flex.

@#%*!#

2005-02-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

"_______" explicit said with great disgust and frustration. *sigh* Today has not started out good. I got an electricity bill for $253.96. I called APS (Arizona Power Source) to find out what the (enter explicit) is going on! The lady I spoke with, Kim, (every please curse her name) was rude, unhelpful and a bitch. $253.96 is a lot of money. I live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have extra money for unexpected expenses. I don't have $253.96 to just dish out. I have a hard enough time having enough gas money from paycheck to paycheck. The owner of the place I rent was being, in my eyes, totally unhelpful with my situation here.

I lost my Visa debit card. Great. Woohoo. Let's hope someone gets a hold of that and spends the money I DON'T have. Then I would be responsible for that as well.

I prepared my taxes and lost them. I was going to e-file and lost the (enter explicit) paperwork somewhere along the line. I haven't heard from the Financial Aid people at my school so I can get that ball rolling. I don't want to have to pay $20,000 all by myself.

It's a good thing today is my running day. It's a good day to run.... too bad it's not a bong day. I don't have those anymore, but if I did, today would be it.

Alrighty then. Sorry 'bout that all. I feel much better.

Today is Tatum's 2nd birthday. Happy birthday Tatum!

Monkeying Around

2005-02-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Joe "pseudo-boyfriend", as my sister sweetly refers to him, is my Valentine. I was surprised though Amber saw it coming. He comes in on his lunch break everyday and I take my daily "Joe Break" as my friend Amanda calls them. Today being no different than every other day, Joe came in to see me. Today being different than every other day he brought me a little stuffed monkey for Valentine's Day. He was on his cell phone when he walked in, handed me the monkey and walked back out. Now off the phone he walks back into the office:

Joe: So, you don't like my monkey?

Me: (not picking up on anything insinuating due to the piles of work on my desk and 6 ringing lines) I love your monkey.

Joe: (laughing) That's great! I just wanted to hear you say you liked my monkey.

Me: Your monkey, however small is still wonderful. I'm going to name my monkey "Little Joey".

Joe: (Standing at 6'3") You mean BIG Joey.

Me: Little Joey it is.

Now that I think of it, the last time I had a Valentine was 2 years ago, right after I had my daughter. Josh gave me a stuffed monkey too. I guess nothing says love like a good monkey. Josh's monkey was much larger than Joe's monkey....

Titillating

2005-02-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to lose weight, and been successful. I've lost 9 pounds in a month. I don't know where they went, and if you find them, you can keep them. I will be sending more along later.

I was telling the Agents at the office that I lost 9 pounds. Gary aka the Littlest Italian aka Mullet Man (hellooooo, it's 2005! Time to rid the world of mullets!) made a comment about how I going to lose my "beautiful breasts". My friend Joe is obessed with breasts as is pretty much every other straight man I've met. Why is that? What is the appeal of breasts? Does it stem back to when you were babies and you breast fed? I was breast fed but you don't see me getting all crazy about breasts. I know my chest is going to get smaller as I lose weight, but so is the rest of me. I've never had to worry about being flat, I was BORN with boobs.

Please enlighten me about this obession with boobs. I'm totally lost.

(Oh, and I got accepted into the college I applied to on the same day I found out I lost 9 pounds. What a great day!)

Not THAT close!

2005-02-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a bar in downtown Minneapolis, my sister on my left and a girl whose name escapes me on my right. We were visiting family up there and hanging out with my cousin Joely-Joel-Joel that evening.

So there we are enjoying drinks, laughing and talking. This No-Name girl on my right turns to me and starts small talk.

NNG: So, where are you from?

Me: Arizona.

NNG: Oh, I used to live in Arkansas.

Me: Oh.

NNG: Are you sisters? (pointing to Amber)

Me: Yes we are.

NNG: How close are you?

Me: We're about 3 and half years apart.

NNG: No, I mean HOW close are you?

Me: (A little confused now) Umm, well, we live about 5 miles apart.

NNG: That's not what I mean. HOW close are YOU?

Me: (thinking real hard about what she's asking me) Well, we're best friends. We shared a room for 18 years.

NNG: Okay. I guess you're not understanding what I'm asking. HOW CLOSE are YOU?

So I'm sitting there with a confused look on my face, thinking to myself, "I've told her how close we are age wise, relationship wise, and distance wise. What on Earth is she asking me?" Amber, who is eaves dropping without me know (isn't that what makes a good eaves dropper?) leans over me and says, "We're close but we're not THAT close."

Now I'm even more confused. What is going on here? What am I missing? Something's going on here and I'm out of the loop. Finally after concentrating really hard I get it. She wanted to know if we are incestuous lesbian lovers! I was repulsed, sickened, angry, confused. Where do YOU people come from?

Me: WHAT!?!?!? I cannot believe you just asked me that!!!! You are disgusting! I can't believe you could even think of something like that!

NNG: Why? It's not that big of a deal. We do it where I'm from.

Me: Yeah, but you're from Arkansas. I guess what they say IS true.

NNG: No, not there, here, in Minnesota.

Me: Whatever. I think there's an empty seat on the other side of the table.

The rest of the evening she sat on the other side of the table calling hookers and call girls out of a local paper and making out with her girlfriend sitting next to her talking about having 3-somes with her and her boyfriend. Which I'm sure they went home and did. You people are sick.

i like it like that

2005-02-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

A few things. Let's get this post off to a kick start! I got my first Comment from someone that is NOT my sister. Thanks Pete! I feel special.

Moving on....

"Put it in already!" and "Quit taking it in and out!"

In what situation would these two phrases be appropriate? Let's take a moment to our minds wander..... at Super Wal-Mart of course! My sister and I went to Nics for celebratory drinks last night because of her discovered treasure. (see story here ). Martinis are Nics specialty, so I had 5 of them. Let's keep in mind that I am not a drinker, so after 5 martinis I was feeling pretty damn good.

I got an iPod for my birthday and David Monteith ("i" before "e" except in Monteith) has this cool gadget that you hook into your iPod then tune your radio to a 88.1 and your radio plays the music on your iPod. So we went to Super Wal-Mart purchase one. I had my new toy in my ear with my sister upset because I wasn't listening to her. So being the kind sister I am I decided to share. One earbud for her and one for me. As she is swaying around she keeps pulling my earbud out of my ear, my response in my indoor-liquored voice is "JUST PUT IT IN ALREADY!" Some teenage girls found this very amusing. So the earbud goes back in much to my pleasure.

So we are swaying down the aisle towards the cashiers to leave and my sister keeps fooling around with her earbud (Why, oh why did I share?) so I reprimand her again in my indoor-liquored voice "QUIT TAKING IT IN AND OUT." Ummm....I don't know how these things happen to me but again a group of people overheard my comment and unable to see the thin cord to the earbud that I was referring to, looked at me strangely and moved steadily away.

Maybe I should work on the indoor liquored voice?

2005-02-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

Tatum

In Genetics Only

2005-02-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

I always get asked two stupid questions about the little girl pictured there:
1. Do you regret it?
2. Can you get her back?

Answers: No & No.

That adorable little girl is Tatum Asako (a-sock?-oh!) Barker. Her second birthday is fast approaching. She is my daughter in genetics only. I gave her up for adoption, well, 2 years ago. I was 22 at the time and free from the pot smoke clouding my judgment for the first time in 5 years.

Ours is an open adoption; a VERY open adoption. From what I've come to understand there is no other relationship like the one I hold with the Barkers (her mom & dad). Usually an "open" adoption is where the Birth-Mom (me) and the Adoptive Parents (The Barkers) know each others names, meet maybe once, and the Birth-Mom receives pictures in the mail. What makes our relationship so open is that I'm taking my own pictures of Tatum. I carry on a relationship with The Barkers and I visit Tatum once a month at the Barkers home. When the time is right she will be told that I am her Birth-Mom, there shall be no secrets. How do you explain who the woman is that always comes over to see the two year old?

I am very old fashioned when it comes to family. The Mom, Dad and dog dynamic is very important to me. I realized that Josh would be around, but not in the way that was needed for everyone involved. Ours would have been a life of struggle, financially and emotionally. Would there have been resentment? Probably. Tatum started out as Cyann Rosemarie Herbert. Your kids are going to get hurt, they are going to feel pain and sorrow. I knew if I had made the decision opposite to the one I made her life would have been filled with more than was fair or necessary.

I wish the circumstances were different at the time, if they were I'd have a daughter right now. But considering the circumstances that were at hand, does she look like a Cyann to you?

I Feel Old

2005-02-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

My sister suggested that I start my own blog (b-log as she calls them) since she gets most of her inspiration for her blog from my life. I don't think my life is that interesting. When I was in high school I used to be very creative. I enjoyed writing poetry, stories and such. I was very angry and high all the time so I had fuel for creativity.

My 24th birthday was on Saturday. 24 by comparison is
not old at all. I was thinking about it today, I worked at Subway 8 years ago. I've known Rian for 7 years. I've been listening to u2 for 12 years, I moved to Sedona 12 years ago. That's HALF of my life. 12 years doesn't sound like a long time, until it's HALF of ones life. What's going to happen when 35 is half of my life?