Saturday, September 23, 2006

If we don't deal with it now, we are going to have to deal with it in 6 years.

When I ask him if he loves me he says 'yes' but cannot not say he loves me. He tells me he's afraid of loving me because then he'd have to give his power away. Then he tells me I have power over him and that scares him. He tells me he loves me but won't say 'i love you'. He knows I need to hear it but he's still afraid to say it.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Please, take mine!

I am using my dad's computer because the computer in my bedroom hasn't had the internet since a large bolt of lighting flashed directly outside my bedroom window causing my windows, hell, my entire room to shake and my little dog to pee on my bed. I dislike my dad's computer because everytime I try to log onto my hotmail account it asks for my user name and password. Even when I've already logged in and trying to read an email, it wants that coveted information.

My boyfriend, Josh is causing some concern in my life. The concern of whether or not we can work together to make a good, healthy relationship. I know healthy relationships are not a thing of pure fiction because in my family I can think of at least two functional marriages. Although in his family there are like, um, zero funtional relationships. Josh is very selfish and I feel most things are on his terms and I am constantly waiting around for him. Waiting for him to date me, and then it was waiting for him to want to move in with me and waiting for him to be ready to marry me (he tells me when he's 30. I'll be 31). I don't want to wait that long to get married. I think he should compromise with me on the age thing a little but he won't budge claiming I'm "... pushing [him] into marriage." Forgive the surprised expression on my face, I was under the impression he wants to marry me! I guess that's what I get for taking him for his word.

I told him that I don't think I could break up with him, that if the relationship were to end, he'd have to do the breaking. Honestly, and don't tell anyone I said this, I am kind of done with this whole Josh/Annalisa relationship thing. It scares me to say that. For too many years he's been the only guy I've wanted to be with. I've dated other guys but always wanting to be with him. So why is it when I get him I don't want him. I should stop kidding myself. I know exactly why I don't like him when I have him. I like chasing him. If he calls me and doesn't break up with me, I am going to have a problem, a boyfriend I'm not sure I want.