Friday, June 17, 2005


I feel sick. I am so overwhelmed at the moment. So much to do. This is what needs to happen in the next 6 weeks:

- Go to California
- Go to Hawai'i
-Move to Prescott
-Train Amanda to do my job
-Sell my truck
-Find a new job
-Quit my job
-Register for school
-Start school
- Figure out a way to pay for everything above

Then there's Josh who won't leave me alone. He's driving me crazy. I love him and I enjoy seeing him but he adds so much stress to my life at the moment. I haven't been home to eat dinner in a week and a half. Too much shit to do. I need another massage to get out of my head for a little vacation. When I move I will be moving back in with my parents, which I really don't want to do. They are wanting me to buy a house. Like I can think about that at the moment.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Welcome Home

I drove the "Drive Of Shame" this morning. My truck got egged last night, little bastards. I moved into a new house about 2 and half weeks ago. This is the third time that a vehicle has been egged since I moved in. The first two times it was Amanda's truck. So needless to say I was pretty angry this morning. I did notice something new about my reaction though. I bitched, I yelled a little bit and I cussed a whole lot. But my reaction to this headache wasn't all fire, rage and brimstone, it was more of a heavy annoyance. Now it's time to let it go.

My dog isn't with me at my new house. A puppy at the house I moved into had parvo. He's better now, but I can't take my dog there with the fear that she may get sick and die. I happen to like my dog.

My first night at my new house, the husband got belligerently drunk and beat someone up on the front porch. This house is also in the ghetto of Cottonwood. It's fucking great. It's been a disaster, living in this house. It's always exciting though. Something's always happening, some sort of drama. But I don't know if I need that drama. If I want drama I will watch TV. Thank you very much.

On a lighter note I am going to eat Sushi with Josh tonight. Tomorrow I am going on a sunset hike with my girlfriend Abby and Friday I get my hair done. I'm going to get it cut and dyed. I shall be a red head again.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Week-End Update

Yeah!!! I talked to my girlfriend Christy last night. She was my best friend when I was dating Josh and while I was pregnant. We were good friends before that time, but got really close while I was dating Josh. I haven't seen her in about 3 years. She's coming into town on the 21st, 8 days! I can't wait to see her.

I'm going to be going to California (I hate California and all it stands for, well what I think it stands for) to see her in August and go to a Jack Johnson concert at the Greek Theater or something, which I guess is a mile from her house. So exciting!

I went to a bar on Saturday night. It's the second time I've ever been to a bar bar. I've been to restaurant bars and grills thingies, but only a bar bar once before, on my 24th birthday (see January). Anyway, I don't like people. And bars are full of them. A girlfriends boyfriend was playing in a band at the bar. I had fun listening to the music and hanging out with my girlfriend.

Had my first massage on Saturday. Hot Rocks Therapy. It was wonderful. I felt all fucked up afterwards though, like I was coming down off of some sort of a hallucinogenic. I was in a funk the rest of the day. I'm going to have to make a permanet habit of getting massages.

I've moved into my new house. I need to go clean the kitchen of my old house. I've been putting it off for a week now. I have two weeks to clean the kitchen. Don't make me do it!!!!

Went to dinner with Tatum, K, and Amber last week. They wanted to go to the Javelina Cantina (Have-a-lean-a Can-teen-a), which is Mexican Food. Josh's sister Cat works there. I don't like her. She's a bitch, a serious bitch. Not a bitch where it's a compliment. She's a cunt bitch. Needless to say, I do not like her. She pushed me when I was pregnant. Anyway, we went to eat and Cat was our waitress. She hadn't seen Tatum since February 15, 2003. So, she was a little surprised. 5 minutes after we left the restaurant Josh walked in. That would have been awkward. Glad we missed him.

Friday, June 03, 2005

My morning drive.

It takes me about half an hour to get from my current house to my job. (Today is the last time I'm going to take that drive.) I do a lot of thinking on that drive while listening to music loudly with the window down.

This morning I was thinking about how two people can experience the same thing, together, and each person walks away with completely different views, ideas and memories of the event. How do talk to that person about those events when all the good times have floated to the top of their cup and yours is half empty?

I also realized that I am afraid of being in another relationship, and marriage scares me. Relationships and marriage never scared me before, but now they do. I'm going to become "that lady" that everyone wonders "Isn't she lonely?" or "Is she a lesbian?" and "I wonder what's wrong with her? There's got to be something if she's been single for all those years." But what they don't know about that lady is that she has friends and 400 vibrators. She is independent and can mow her own lawn.

But is she lonely? That I don't know. I think everyone wants there to be someone for them. Everyone that is alone has some sort of loneliness ebbing at them. Even people who have that someone can still feel that loneliness. I guess one has to be content by themselves to feel content with someone else.

Then there's that whole wanting what you don't want. That's confusing. And you have a dream that instills fear into you, which fuels all these private thoughts that invade your driving time. When all is combined it leads to fear which leads to staying away, which may or may not be a good thing.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Ballet Dancer I am Not

I am clumsy, I really am. It's sad actually. An ex of mine used to call me "Grace". I currently have 17 bruises all over my body. Two of them are very large and black. I have no idea where they come from. My mom thinks it's because I have thin blood. I also have two scars that are healing. Where those came from is a mystery as well. I stubbed my toe hiking on Monday. The toenail broke right in the middle of my large right toe. It follows a jagged line about 1/3 of the way down and is black. There will be no pedicures for me anytime soon.

I have had stitches 5 times. The first time I must have been 4. I dropped a glass and when it broke it cut my pinkie finger on my right hand. I still have a scar. The second time I was riding a bike when the breaks stopped working so I drove into the fence to stop. The pedal fell off the bike so there was just a metal rod, and that went into my calf. I had two layers of stitches. It didn't heal well so I have a gnarly scar. Third time I was making a potion or something after it rained and I stepped back on a sharp rock and cut my toes open. I was hoping I didn't have to get stitches, well for the obvious reasons. My mom almost passed out in the hospital. Fourth time I had surgery on my mouth. I had an impacted tooth, the doctor had to take a hammer and a chisel and chisel through the bone in my mouth to get to the tooth. And the last time I had stitches was when I had Tatum. She had her umbilical cord wrapped once around her neck then she had her left fist next to her face with the umbilical cord wrapped around her wrist.

When I was pregnant I had a LARGE purple bruise with a yellow rim. I used to threaten Josh that if he didn't behave I was going to tell everyone that he beat me. He behaved. We actually were laughing about that on Monday.