Saturday, September 23, 2006

If we don't deal with it now, we are going to have to deal with it in 6 years.

When I ask him if he loves me he says 'yes' but cannot not say he loves me. He tells me he's afraid of loving me because then he'd have to give his power away. Then he tells me I have power over him and that scares him. He tells me he loves me but won't say 'i love you'. He knows I need to hear it but he's still afraid to say it.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Please, take mine!

I am using my dad's computer because the computer in my bedroom hasn't had the internet since a large bolt of lighting flashed directly outside my bedroom window causing my windows, hell, my entire room to shake and my little dog to pee on my bed. I dislike my dad's computer because everytime I try to log onto my hotmail account it asks for my user name and password. Even when I've already logged in and trying to read an email, it wants that coveted information.

My boyfriend, Josh is causing some concern in my life. The concern of whether or not we can work together to make a good, healthy relationship. I know healthy relationships are not a thing of pure fiction because in my family I can think of at least two functional marriages. Although in his family there are like, um, zero funtional relationships. Josh is very selfish and I feel most things are on his terms and I am constantly waiting around for him. Waiting for him to date me, and then it was waiting for him to want to move in with me and waiting for him to be ready to marry me (he tells me when he's 30. I'll be 31). I don't want to wait that long to get married. I think he should compromise with me on the age thing a little but he won't budge claiming I'm "... pushing [him] into marriage." Forgive the surprised expression on my face, I was under the impression he wants to marry me! I guess that's what I get for taking him for his word.

I told him that I don't think I could break up with him, that if the relationship were to end, he'd have to do the breaking. Honestly, and don't tell anyone I said this, I am kind of done with this whole Josh/Annalisa relationship thing. It scares me to say that. For too many years he's been the only guy I've wanted to be with. I've dated other guys but always wanting to be with him. So why is it when I get him I don't want him. I should stop kidding myself. I know exactly why I don't like him when I have him. I like chasing him. If he calls me and doesn't break up with me, I am going to have a problem, a boyfriend I'm not sure I want.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

I love him.
And it hurts sometimes.
Do all relationships have pain in them?
And if they do, how do you know it's worth it?
Someone once said that when you love someone there is never too much pain.
That is such a sad thought.
Who wants to hurt all the time?
I would rather be alone than hurt.
But I would rather be with you that alone.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I should be doing homework but am having a hard time concentrating. It's hard because I need to be sensitive to his emotional needs and he's sensitive to my emotional needs. What do you do when they are conflicting?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

When I was a teen-ager my emotions were all consuming. I hated the intenseness of my emotions controlling my actions. That's how I feel right now. I think, hope, I'm pmsing. I hope because then I will feel better tomorrow.

I love Christy.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I though College was supposed to be different from High School

I was showing my mom the pictures from my Hawai'ian vacation and she wanted to know why I have this as the wall paper on my computer:

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I just laughed. I asked her why she thinks I have that picture up.

People are talking about me. I don't know why. One girl went up to the guy I sit next to in Psych and told him that I'm crazy. I find it strange that she thinks about enough outside of school to talk about me. I'm dying to know why I'm crazy. I'm not going to ask, but wondering all the say.

Some lady at my mom's church told her that I argue with my Biology teacher. (which I have never done) This lady isn't even in my class. weird. I didn't think I was that interesting.

This girl in my English class doesn't like me because I'm vocal about my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. We discuss a lot of things in class and we always have a different view. I want to know where she's coming from, and I ask why she thinks what she does, and she gets flustered and shuts down. Why is that my fault?

Monday, September 19, 2005

My name is Annalisa and I will be your server tonight.

I worked a double today and I'm wired, my brain won't shut off. Maybe I should smoke a bowl. Made some pretty good money today. At least enough to pay my bills, I have yet to make enough to have a little spending money. My gifts cards are coming in very handy when I want to spend money on a cd or new clothes but know I don't have the money in my bank account. Thank you Amy and Virginia!!

I have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed with serving. It's not hard per say, keep the guests drinks stocked, smile, warm chatter with them, be attentive, all common sense when it comes to being a waitress right? Right. I'm finding it hard to be on my feet all day, but luckily I only work 4 days in a row then I have 3 days off for school. (by the time my work week to begins I feel thankful to get 4 days off of school!! ha!) I can multi-task, that isn't a problem either, at least I don't think it is. It's really hard going from a job that I had mastered into new territory in which I have no experience what-so-ever. I find myself wondering if I'm cut out for this. Maybe I'm better off behind a desk.

But I don't give up. I won't. I'm going to master this job like I do all other jobs I have set before me. In fact, the learning and mastering of skills is what gives me the most pride in jobs. Perhaps everyone fucks up as much as I do. Oh, and I cry, at work. I get so overwhelmed and stressed out that I burst into tears. I can't help it and I have to admit that it embarrasses me. I blame the outbursts on becoming pregnant because I don't remember being like this before I got pregnant. After I've calmed down I wonder what the big deal is. I need to learn a different way to cope with stress. I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow about all these feelings. (stoopid women and all their damn hormones and emotions.)

I've lost 40 pounds since January. Yoga and being a waitress has really helped me maintain my weight loss and aided in losing more weight! I'm going to try to lost another 10 by the end of the year! Go me! (hell ya I'll encourage myself!)

I'm going to take a bath and try and relax.